Oh no, not more April blizzards?

Huddersfield Daily Examiner (Huddersfield, England), April 21, 2008

Byline: Denis Kilcommons

I'M getting fed up with weather. April showers are one thing, April blizzards something else entirely.

Where's all this global warming when you need it?

And there's not a lot to look forward to in the month ahead.

I checked with the BBC longrange forecast and we can expect more rain and showers and poor temperatures and what they euphemistically describe as "unsettled weather" into the middle of May.

"I don't care," said Debbie.

"You don't?"

"Not in the slightest."

"Why?"

"Because I'm off to the Dominican Republic for 16 days."

This is the island where the temperature stays at around 77degF (25degC) all year round and its climate is known as "endless summer".

Sometimes you could just spit.

Me? I'll be flying off for a few days in Donegal to see my grandsons; but as Donegal is about as far north as Hartlepool I won't be taking my shorts and flip flops.

The Met Office says we can expect a "typical British summer" this year.

"Summer temperatures across the UK are more likely to be warmer than average and rainfall near or above average for the three months of summer," they say.

Three months of summer?

I remember when summer started at the beginning of April and lasted until the end of September.

Now we are promised just three months of sunshine and showers after suffering a winter that started two years ago and is lingering endlessly on.

Did someone drop an atom bomb and I didn't notice?

Is this one of those post-nuclear apocalypse winters where the sun won't shine for a decade, crops will fail and we'll have to eat our Wellington boots? Then it's a good job I have two pairs, that's all I can say.

And you can forget barbecues for the foreseeable future.

Remember those happy, long-gone days of hot weather, cold drinks and food gently burning over charcoal? Well no more of those jolly salmonella parties until at least June. And then have an umbrella handy for the occasional monsoon.

In fact, why not wheel the barbie into the front room and do it in front of Sky Sports? Save a lot of messing about.

The thing is, I think I'm beginning to suffer from seasonal affective disorder, the winter depression that affects half a million people every winter.

It's caused by lack of sunlight and, as I can't afford to go with Debbie to the Dominican Republic for 16 days, I've been trying alternative therapy, such as turning up the central heating to boiling, leaving all the lights on in the house 24 hours a day, wearing sunglasses and papering the front room with holiday brochures of palm trees and sun-kissed beaches.

And mind your back, please.

I might as well bring the barbecue in as well.

Now, is there any cricket from the West Indies on Sky?

TWO wives were talking.

"What's your husband getting for his birthday?" said one.

"Bald and fat," said the other.

(Boom, boom).

'Is this one of those post nuclear apocalypse winters where the sun won't shine for a decade'

CAPTION(S):

FEELING DOWN?: Oh for the sunshine of foreign parts