Grief

Macmillan Encyclopedia of Death and Dying, (2003) by ROBERT KASTENBAUM, KENNETH J. DOKA, JOAN BEDER, REIKO SCHWAB, KENNETH J. DOKA, REIKO SCHWAB, KENNETH J. DOKA, NORMAN L. FARBEROW, MARGARET STROEBE, WOLFGANG STROEBE, HENK SCHUT, LILLIAN M. RANGE

As adults gradually regain their equilibrium, members of a family whose functioning was optimal before the death are likely to restore communication and reestablish neglected relationships. Participating in rituals appropriate to the family's cultural tradition and mourning their loss in a supportive and cohesive family environment will not only promote the healthy resolution of grief but facilitate the reorganization of the family. Obstacles that block the mourning process vary, including unresolved losses in the current family or family of origin, disengaged or conflicted family relationships, unresolved conflict with the deceased, a desire to hide the nature of death which the bereaved deem undesirable, such as death due to suicide or AIDS (acquired immunodeficiency syndrome), and idealization of the deceased disallowing members to freely talk about the deceased. Excessive use of alcohol or other substances to numb the pain of grief also interferes with communication and jeopardizes health and family relationships. A desire to avoid what is painful is a natural human inclination; paradoxically, healing comes through facing the challenge of giving the pain of grief the time and space that it requires. Even though there is no one way to cope with a major loss suitable for all, avoiding, inhibiting, or prohibiting talking about what everyone has in mind as though nothing has occurred hampers the mourning process. When members are deprived of opportunities to openly communicate and explore their own and the family's loss, the loss is compounded, resulting in a sense of isolation.

Through the process of mourning, the emotional center of the family gradually shifts from the deceased to the survivors and their future even though the deceased will continue to be psychologically present and serve as a source of support for members' ongoing development. Family members will establish their new sense of identity as widows, widowers, bereaved parents, fatherless or motherless children, children who have lost a sibling, and so forth. The change in identity also means a status change in social networks, requiring adjustments. When mourning is bypassed, the deceased individual remains as a "ghost" in the family, interfering with children's development as well as adults' developmental tasks, such as marriage, remarriage, or parenting, and places family members at risk for a host of physical and psychosocial problems. Those problems may not become evident until years later and may appear totally unrelated to the experience of loss.

The Process of Reorganization

A member's death changes the family's hierarchical structure, leaving a void and requiring not only an adjustment in relationships but an assumption of new roles and a reallocation of roles by surviving members. New employment and/or a change in residence may become necessary for some families. Emotional upheaval may precipitate some others to make drastic changes in their lives soon after the death, such as selling a home and/or business and moving to a new neighborhood. Decisions made under duress, however, may be regretted later on. Waiting a year or two, when possible, before making major decisions helps avoid additional disruption in the family. Under the stress of bereavement, even normally moderately cohesive and flexible families may show some degree of enmeshment and rigidity, which, if continued for an extended period of time, can restrict members' ongoing development and compromises children's development toward increased independence and separation from the family.