Grief

Rebuilding

The process of integrating the experience of loss and rebuilding the family without the deceased is a gradual one, which can take months or years, depending on the circumstances. Adults who attend to their own grief and receive support from the extended family and community resources for reconstructing family life are in a better position to help children grieve and promote their healthy development. The effects of a member's death differ for each survivor and so do the ways of coping and the length of time it takes for members to resolve their grief and move on. The family mourning process, however, is a shared experience. Understanding and accepting the diversity in the family through mutual sharing facilitate the healing process. New rituals may be created for cultural and religious celebrations and for special occasions, such as birthdays and anniversaries, to mourn and commemorate the deceased member and affirm the bond to the deceased in the ongoing family life. Troubling images associated with the death may continue to intrude into consciousness from time to time. The loss with its painful emotional and practical implications is revisited and grieved anew many times as the family and each member's life unfolds developmentally. Through embracing the past and reaffirming the continuity of life, members once again engage in life with hope for the future.

GENDER

It has been suggested that because of different socialization experiences, or perhaps even biological differences, men and women exhibit distinct patterns in the way they experience, express, and adapt to grief. In much popular commentary it is further suggested that the male role inhibits grieving because it places emphasis on the regulation of emotional expression and constrains the seeking of support from others. Women, on the other hand, are seen as more ready to accept help and express emotions, both of which are seen as facilitating grief. Louis LeGrand, for example, stated in 1986 that this gender difference "does not mean that men are not grieving; it does indicate that they may not accomplish the task as successfully as women" (LeGrand 1986, p. 31). Allen Wolfelt, in a 1990 article in Thanatos, stated his belief that men's grief is naturally more complicated because men cannot express emotion or seek help. Carol Staudacher in her book Men and Grief succinctly stated this bias toward emotive expressiveness: "Simply put, there is only one way to grieve. That way is to go through the core of grief. Only by expressing the emotional effects of your loved one's death is it possible for you to eventually resolve the loss" (Staudacher 1991, p. 3). Yet the idea that men grieve poorly is clearly disputed by the research in the field of thanatology (the study of death).

Research Perspectives

Researchers have studied both therapists' attitudes toward gender differences as well as the grief patterns and outcomes of men and women. The results have been mixed.