Pitch People

Word Ways, May, 2009 by David Morice

PITCH PEOPLE

   Ray Love forwarded some winning examples from a Washington Post
      contest: "One of
   the contests the Post ran late last year involved pitchmen and
      pitchwomen. The
   instructions were for readers to choose an appropriate person, real
      or fictional, to
   comically endorse a product or company. The more outlandish the
      better. Here are 10 of
   the "losers" in the Post contest:

   Harry Whittington (Dick Cheney's hunting pal) for Target
   Monica Lewinsky for Hummer
   50 Cent for Lehman Brothers
   Marry Feldman for Google
   Steve Irwin for Ray-Ban
   Lorena Bobbit for Johnson Wax
   Mike Krzyzewski for Hooked on Phonics
   Al Gore for Green Giant
   Pee-Wee Herman for Hot Pockets
   Lou Dobbs for Borders: Come celebrate our Grand Closing!

   "As this premise fit my style of humor," Ray comments, "I jumped at
      the chance to see
   up with what I could come. Here is up with what I cometh."

   Peter Rabbit for IHOP
   Jenny Craig for Waste Management
   Tina Turner for L'eggs
   Vladimir Putin for Red Lobster
   Ralph Nader for Diehard
   Hubert H. Humphrey for Preparation H
   Santa Claus for Comet Cleanser
   Dolly Parton for Sweet Tomatoes
   Billy Ocean for Tide
   Pearl Mesta for Hostess Cupcakes
   Brigitte Bardot for 20th Century Fox
   Carmen Miranda for Chiquita Bananas
   Eliot Ness for Raid
   John Holmes for Super 8
   Ronald Reagan for Dutch Boy
   Michael Phelps for Midas
   Sarah Palin for Lenscrafters
   Glen or Neve for Campbell's Soup
   Eliot Spitzer for Bed, Bath & Beyond
   Congress for Dole Corp. or Dollar Tree
   Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders for Toys R Us
   Dale Earnhardt for Circuit City
   Pete Sampras, Charles Goren or Eddie Rickenbacker for Ace Hardware
   Mae West for Old Spice
   George Custer for Arrow Shirts
   Rosie O'Donnell for Dairy Queen
   E. G. Marshall for Eeegees
   Timothy Bottoms for Depends
   Yertle the Turtle for Shell
   John Wayne for Best Western
   Cat Stevens for 9 Lives
   Howie Mandei for Mr. Clean
   Marilyn Monroe for M & M Candy
   Sting for Bumble Bee Tuna
   Twiggy or Olive Oyl for Slim-Fast

DAVID MORICE

Iowa City, Iowa