Sports Names in the News

Basketball legend Herb Fungus was clocked early this morning by the local police driving his Lambor-ghini at 29 mph in a 30-mph zone and staying in his lane after attending an all-night party. "No weaving, no line crossing, nothing," marveled a police officer at the scene.

Outfielder Ty Pesko spotted a suspicious character outside his team's clubhouse today, flaunting a large shopping bag full of banned steroids, and demanded that a nearby security guard kick him off the premises, pronto.

Slugging All-Star third baseman Brady Suggs has declined a $102 million Yankee contract offer and will stay with his financially troubled last-place club—"hopefully for the rest of my life," he beamed. "It would let the fans down if I just picked up and left, and they've been so darn nice to me. Loyalty works both ways, you know!"

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