The crit - play

This painting critique takes place somewhere in the United States in the present. It is a weekly ritual, tonight attended by three male painting faculty - Professor James, Professor Gelbart, Professor Gold - and one visiting artist/teacher from New York, Holly Stolz. The eight other participants - Janine, Cissy, Don, Karen, A. R., Lenore, Johan, Louis - are all graduate students in a highly selective graduate painting program (they hail from the United States, Canada, England, and The Netherlands).

The room is a student gallery space, empty but for a few broken easels, an assortment of paint-splattered chairs, an open case of Rolling Rock, and the work being critiqued this evening. Janine has six paintings along one wall - figurative work in a variety of styles, with text, painted on old roll-up movie screens (as still used in schools). Some hang on the wall and some stand freely on their tripod bases; they range from four- to five-feet square.

Professor James: Okay, okay, enough socializing. It's already 7:20, so let's get started. Janine, is there anything you want to say first before we begin?

Janine: No . . . but . . . I love to paint and it really pisses me off that painting . . . that all this other shit is just . . . you know, taking over.

Professor James: Janine, could you tell us which you did first?

Janine: Well, I did these in the summer, and these I did this autumn, except the freestanding one over there with the cut-outs. . . . It's the most recent.

(Long silent pause.)

Professor Gelbart: Your love of paint comes through loud and clear, Janine. (Walking over to a painting on the left.) I really like the way this cerulean pushes against this fluffy ochre. It's exerting a hell of a lot of pressure. It's absolutely palpable. And this negative space is alive with "thingness." These are real honest expressions of paint's special properties . . . very sensitive, Janine. (Walking back to his chair, he suddenly turns and points.) That black . . . that black is blue!

Cissy: I like this pinkish scratchy area. (Pointing.)

Don: This upside-down horse-head thing is pretty neat.

Karen: Janine, I think you need to pay more attention to composition.

Professor Gelbart: How so?

Karen: I don't know . . . it's just . . . so random.

Janine: I wanted it to be random.

Professor Gelbart: Look at these juicy strokes. The paint handling is so deft . . . so sincere . . . Janine has every right to throw in something awkward.

A.R.: Didn't Oscar Wilde say, "All bad poetry is sincere."

Karen: There is something very ordinary about this work.

Professor James: Or . . . maybe it's not ordinary enough.

Don: (Tapping his cigarette ash into an empty beer bottle, he looks at Janine) What other shit?

Janine: What?

Don: You said it pissed you off that all this other shit was taking over, so . . . what other shit?

Lenore: Hello? I thought we agreed not to talk about what the artiste says to start the crit. . . . Janine only said around ten words and still we cling. . . . Why can't we just talk about the work itself? Is that so difficult? Do we always need a crutch?

Don: (Getting down on his knees and speaking in mock fear.) We are poor cripples, please don't take away our crutches.

Lenore: Fuck you, Don.

Johan: (Rolling a cigarette.) I do not care what the artist's intentions are. The only thing that matters is the work before us.

Don: You guys can't be serious! Intentionality is completely relevant.

Holly Stolz: Am I in a time warp or what? It is 1999 - not only is the artist's intention irrelevant, but the discrete object, the precious work itself is just a prop . . .

Don: Well, that's nice, but there are still a few of us dumb slobs left who do not worship irony.

Holly Stolz: To quote Lenore, "Fuck you, Don."

Don: That's . . .

Professor James: Don, Don . . . excuse me for interrupting, but I would really like to get this crit on track.

Don: I'm sorry, but I think Janine should answer my original question.

Professor James: Janine, would you like to respond?

Janine: What was the question?

Don: What other stuff is taking over?

Professor James: Janine?

Janine: I guess I would just like to get some feedback about the work that's here.

Lenore: Do you look at David Salle, Janine?

Janine: No, I'm not interested in Salle at all.

Professor Gold: Who are you looking at?

Janine: I don't know. (Long pause.) Like de Chirico maybe.

Don: de Chirico? Jesus!

Professor James: (In a whisper.) Don, please.

(Discussion can be heard in the back of the room.)

Professor James: (Looking over his shoulder.) What's up?

Karen: We would like a no smoking policy at these crits. (The smokers groan.) There isn't any ventilation. This is a highly toxic environment.

Professor James: I don't like the smoke either, but . . . well, what do we do, vote?

Don: Paint is toxic, too. Maybe the tree-huggers should find another profession.

Lenore: Let's just vote.

Professor Gold: I like to smoke as much as anyone, but the nonsmokers have a legitimate complaint. I propose we simply honor their request.