When a Friend Needs You

American Fitness, Jan, 1999 by Victor M Parachin

Help a friend get through the pain of grief with simple gestures of compassion.

"For months after losing Milton, after more than 40 years of an intensely happy marriage, I was in a state of despair regardless of my being financially secure with a satisfying career. All my lecturing, writing and traveling seemed meaningless without my husband to share it. I was overcome by agonizing loneliness."

The woman describing these feelings is best-selling author Joyce Brothers. Although she is a psychologist who is knowledgeable about the grieving process, her academic and professional expertise did not make her personal loss easier to bear. And she is not alone. Currently, there are 2.1 million widowers in the United States. Of those, more than 550,000 were left with young children to raise. The bereaved need the gentle support of their friends and family whether they've lost a spouse, parent, grandparent, child or friend. Here are eight ways to help someone through a time of grief.

1.) An effective way to deliver comfort is through a short written note. Unlike a phone call, a letter can be saved to be read again. When writing, share a personal memory of the deceased. Etiquette specialist Letitia Baldridge cites the following as an excellent example of a helpful condolence letter:

"I remember the first time I met her in college. I was a freshman and she was a `sophisticated' sophomore. She found me in my room battling a bad case of homesickness. In fifteen minutes she had chased the blues away by giving me a tour and introducing me to 20 of her friends. She remained that way throughout her life, helping people and offering kindness. She was always ready, strong, creative and compassionate. Your loss is crushing to me, too. I will miss her dearly."

2.) Call and visit often. In the weeks and months following a funeral, the bereaved experience a slight letdown as friends and family return to their normal routines. At this time, loneliness can feel overwhelming. A call or visit from a friend can be a powerful antidote to those deep feelings of loneliness. In order to make your visits and calls truly effective, authors Candy Lightner and Nancy Hathaway offer these insights in their book, Giving Sorrow Words (Warner Books, $12.99):

"You might ask, `Is there something I can do?' But be prepared for the answer to be, `There's nothing anyone can do.' Then ask, `What would you like me to do?' Offer specific suggestions, such as, `Do you want to talk?' `Would you like some company?' `Do you need to get out of the house?' `Would you like to take a walk or drive?' `Would you like to see a movie?' Sometimes your questions can help clarify their needs."

3.) Recognize that recovery takes time. Be patient with the grieving and encourage your friend to be patient. There is no quick fix for the pain of grief. In the early months of grief, it's difficult to do even minimal chores. Generally, it takes the bereaved nearly three years before they begin to experience more good days than bad.

Consider the experience of writer Lois Duncan. Her 18-year-old daughter, Kaitlyn, was the victim of a random shooting. "For months after Kait's death, I'd lie on my bed for hours, unable to focus my mind," Duncan writes. "Just the shopping and housework took all the energy I could muster. Well-meaning friends asked, `When are you going back to work?' They didn't understand I was too drained to be productive and, when the time was right to return, I'd know it."

4.) Listen with your heart. "The reason we have two ears and only one mouth is that we may listen the more and talk the less," noted Greek philosopher Zeno of Citium. The pain of grief is eased when mourners have a nonjudgmental friend who will listen from the heart. Make it as easy as possible for your friend to speak whatever is on his or her mind and heart.

David, a young widower with two school-aged children, advises, "Be supportive and allow us to speak openly about our feelings. Resist the urge to speak about a loss you may have experienced. This was our loss and we need to experience it in our own way. Be there to listen--it is the most precious gift you can offer. The people I found most helpful made no attempt to distract me from my grief. They encouraged me to share my feelings over and over. Each time I told my story, a layer of pain was peeled away and the intensity of grief was eased."

5.) Encourage grievers to accept all of their feelings. The shocking news of a death unleashes a myriad of confusing and conflicting emotions, including anger, depression, guilt, regret, rage, frustration, fear, anxiety, helplessness, loneliness and vulnerability. Assure the bereaved these emotions are a normal part of coming to terms with a loss. Encourage grievers to deal with these feelings by openly discussing them. Author Robert DiGiulio, Ph.D., recalls the year when a state trooper told him a car accident had taken the lives of his wife, their oldest daughter and his wife's parents. He was hit by a flood of emotions. "I discovered it does no good to fight such feelings," he wrote. "Pushing them down only makes them come back with a greater fury. Instead, I had to learn to respect those feelings as part of me--a testament to my intense love and loss. Only when I was able to accept and even embrace such feelings as a natural, normal and integral part of my healing process was I able to work through them."