How "Fit" is Your Love Life

American Fitness, May, 1999 by James McClernan

Self-evaluation and nurturing prove essential to finding and/or enhancing relationships.

As I listened to Cindi's heartfelt pain, I remembered how frequently I had heard such a cry. She poured out her despair about a recently ended three-year relationship. Twenty-seven years old, single with no children and living alone with a limiting A.A. degree, she felt life was passing her by and that she'd never "find Mr. Right."

Jane, another client I saw that same day, asked through pleading eyes, "Why didn't I make him happy? Wasn't I sexy enough? Why couldn't I keep him interested?" She is 14 years older and, after 22 years of marriage, has been left with two grown children, an advanced degree, a much higher income and an extended support system. However, both women were going through similar emotional turmoil.

I knew no matter what words of comfort, suggestions for rapid recovery or positive projections about the future I offered, both women would still have to undergo the recovery process. At worst, the ordeal would seem overwhelming. At best, it would serve as a learning experience. It would take three months to a year before they'd be ready for a new relationship. During this recovery period, each woman would be vulnerable to falling into an unhealthy rebound relationship.

What neither woman had discovered is that loving, enduring relationships are not about "finding" or "keeping" the "right" guy, but rather about knowing and nurturing themselves.

People in all places and stages of life seem to be searching for partnerships that are lasting, supportive, sharing, meaningful, growth-enhancing and loving. Relationships are such a big part of our lives that we often devote stressful years searching for the "right one." We struggle to maintain negative partnerships that are suffocating and/or abusive.

We may spend frustrating years pursuing that special--yet elusive--partner that will make our dreams come true. Ideally, they fill an empty void--nurturing, comforting, stimulating and believing in us, as well as finding us sexy and attractive. We want them to be generous, bright, wise, make us feel secure and love us unconditionally (faults included) for the rest of our lives.

It is common for each partner to say relationship problems were equally shared. They might even hold themselves mostly accountable for the relationship's breakdown. But privately, each partner finds a way to let a therapist or confidant know he or she is just fine and solving their partner's faults would repair the relationship.

I have counseled individuals who--regardless of age, achievement, income level, social status, education or profession--find it difficult to believe they are largely responsible for attracting a non-growth relationship. In fact, their unhappiness is assured not only by their relationship expectations but by their self-perception.

At times, I believe if we all found someone that met our long list of criteria, we would probably end up with a clone of ourselves who responded in the "right way" to our every whim, eventually boring us to death with their mirroring behavior.

A variety of factors largely contribute to how well we match up with prospective partners and how likely we are to stay together. Some of these factors may have more impact than others and can be enhanced or diminished, determining how well we handle our current relationship or what the next one will be like.

* With some exceptions, most of our partners are about equal to ourselves in attractiveness. People we consider better looking than us make us feel insecure, and those we see as less attractive do not stimulate us. Next time you are in a long line of couples at the theater or other public event, test this theory.

* Intelligence, abilities and skills may be different but are usually fairly balanced between most partners.

* Value priorities like politics, religion, financial matters, outside friendships, in-laws or living arrangements may be compromised to some degree. Lifestyle, career and status are values which tend to be harder for most couples to compromise.

* In the case of prominent personality characteristics and behavior, opposites commonly attract. Initially, outgoing persons often feel more comfortable with reserved Later, the same traits they found appealing push them apart.

Emotional stability is a powerful factor in relationships. The greater the emotional stability, the lower he/she falls on the relationship success scale. Emotional stability greatly influences how couples get together, stay together or separate. This factor is closely tied to personality and differences. At the upper end of the relationship success scale, self-awareness, self-ownership and commitment to personal growth are the ultimate determinants. With these last three factors comes a love of the never ending process which reaches each person "to" love rather than "needing" to be loved.

Partners with high self-awareness and commitment to personal growth most often strive for excellence rather man self- and relationship-defeating perfectionism. Self-awareness, self-ownership and commitment to growth are essential to achieve self-esteem and self-trust, both of which help provide lasting and healthy love relationships.