How "Fit" is Your Love Life

Excellence is involvement - Perfectionism is winning.

Excellence is trust - Perfectionism is apprehension.

Excellence is evolving - Perfectionism is stagnation.

Excellence is loving - Perfectionism is struggling to be lovable.

Excellence is high self-esteem - Perfectionism is low self-esteem.

Excellence is wellness - Perfectionism is non-wellness.

Relationship Evaluator

How Do Your Love Relationships Measure Up?

1. Select the categories that indicate the best and worst levels you reach in your relationship. Then select the category your relationship is at most frequently. Ask your partner to do the same (without your input). Do not compare your respective responses at this point.

2. Facing your fears, dropping your defenses and being as open as possible, make two columns on a piece of paper headed "detrimental" and "enhancing" and list your specific contributions (from Evaluator Scale on page 50 or use your own) to the relationship in the appropriate column.

Example:

Detrimental         Enhancing

* No Purpose        * Exhibit wellness
* Misleading        * Available
* Defensive         * Polite
* Perfectionistic   * Giving
* Critical          * Humorous

3. Devise a written plan to make gradual adjustments. Improve yourself in ways you will value and will enhance any relationship. Your plan may include:

* Defining your beliefs and values to find meaning and purpose

* Practicing self-awareness to drop defenses and avoid being misleading

* Defining excellence and lowering partner expectations

* Reducing self-criticism to reduce criticism toward others

4. Hold your partner, look into his/her eyes, reveal what you've determined about yourself and explain your plan for self-development. Be aware that you cannot lose, regardless of your partner's efforts.

5. Commit yourself to being consistent with your self-change. Through practice, what you intellectually understand will become what you emotionally believe. If you are not presently involved in a relationship, this process can help you get ready and attract a self-developing partner. Placing emphasis on self-enhancement will become a preferred way of life. If, on the other hand, you strive too hard for perfection, you won't relax in a way that brings out the best in you--the excellence.

6. As self-enhancement efforts become more consistent, you will notice you and your partner are more compatible or you are considering others as prospective partners.

The Wellness Relationship Evaluator Scale

Bitter Separation *

* Unconditional Love

Existential * Existential

Non-Wellness Relationship * Communication Decrease * Void * Development * Communication Increase * Wellness Relationship

Destructive        Hurtful            Conflict

* Hostility      * Lying           * Questioning

* Violence       * Cheating        * Distrustful

* Sabotage       * Criticism       * Distant

* Rebellion      * Blame           * Unavailable

* Vengefulness   * Defensiveness   * Inconsiderate

                                   * Judgmental

Bad Relationship              Wellness Base

* Misleading              * Loves mindfulness

* Pretending              * Loves health/nutrition

* Cynical                 * Loves exercise

* Non-loving              * Loves process rather than goals

* Non-intimate            * Relaxed

* Anxiety                 * Responsible "to" others

* Little self-awareness   * Able to love and receive love

* Strain for perfection   * Healthful humor

* Responsible "for"       * Clear purpose/meaning
others (control)
                          * Commitment to personal
* "Needs" love            growth

* Expects happiness       * Defined beliefs
from others

* Undefined
beliefs/values/
purpose/meaning

   Harmony             Trust                     Accepting

* Supportive       * Sharing                * Belief/faith in self
                                            and others
* Nurturing        * Understanding
                                            * "Love" matches
* Available        * Facilitating           "being in love."

* Empathic         * Touching               * Self-awareness

* Non-judgmental   * Sexual

* Considerate      * Harmonious

* Friendly         * Communicative

* Honest           * Giving of inner self

* Open