Family ties: core principles are the foundation of a healthy, functional family

American Fitness, Nov-Dec, 2004 by Victor M. Parachin

News reporter and commentator Corrine "Cokie" Roberts, was raised in a busy, political family with little discretionary time. Her father, Hale Boggs, was Democratic House Majority Leader, while her mother, Lindy, later became a Congresswoman. In spite of time limitations, the family members worked together and supported each other. "I was two when my father was elected to Congress. My parents decided to include the children in dinners with important people and to watch important debates on the House floor," she recalls. "My mother ran all of daddy's political campaigns. Our dining room table was 'campaign central.' We helped stuff envelopes and put up posters." Roberts describes her childhood as "secure and loving," something she has tried to create for her children.

Roberts had the wonderful opportunity of growing up in a healthy family. Such families have the ability to work together and support each other, no matter how busy and hectic individual schedules may be. Some people come from family units described as "dysfunctional," where basic psychological needs are not met and parents do not respect each other nor their children. Their unhealthy parenting style leaves children wounded, shamed, abused and made to feel guilty for matters beyond their control. Although much media attention has recently focused on dysfunctional families, thousands of parents and children are faithfully working together to create loving, secure families. These families exhibit warmth, camaraderie and cohesiveness. Following are seven signs which characterize such healthy, functional families.

1 Healthy families establish healthy priorities.

Functional families make the family a top priority. Therefore, the needs of the family and family members outweigh all other activities. The family comes first, then work, then social and civic responsibilities, etc. Nobel Prize winner Mother Teresa, made this observation about modern families: "I think the world today is upside-down, and is suffering so much because there is so very little love in homes and family life. We have no time for our children, we have no time for each other." Healthy families make time to be together. They do not routinely allow work or other activities to infringe upon family time.

There are, of course, times when work responsibilities demand additional effort. For example, an accountant and her family expect the time before April 15th, the tax deadline, to be hectic. A salesperson expects more time to be expended at work during the holiday rush. A writer may be preoccupied with a major deadline, just as a farmer works longer hours during the harvest. However, these periods are recognized as exceptional by healthy families. Members in a healthy family do not operate on the principle that work comes first--family does. One glowing example is David, an East Coast advertising executive. David promised his son they would go fishing one Saturday. However, Friday evening an associate called David asking him to come by the office on Saturday to look over a new ad campaign. David declined politely, but firmly, saying, "Someone else can give you input on this, but no one else can be a father to my son tomorrow."

2 Healthy families ask for--and give--respect.

Members in healthy families know respect is a two-way street. In order to receive respect; you must first give it. In his book, Bringing up Kids Without Tearing Them Down, family psychologist Kevin Leman, Ph.D., shares this story from his own parenting. His teenage daughter, Krissy, was joking with him but crossed the line when she called him a "moron" in front of several of her friends. Leman became angry and disciplined her harshly in view of her companions.

"After her friends left, Krissy was sitting glumly in her room. By then I had cooled off," he recalls. "She hadn't shown me respect, but at the same time, I hadn't been respectful of her. I went to her room and told her, 'I'm sorry, I shouldn't have yelled at you in front of your friends. Honey, you know I like to kid around, but you went too far.'" As Leman turned to leave the room, Krissy said, "I'm sorry--it won't happen again. Dad, thanks for apologizing. I won't forget."

3 Healthy families communicate.

Happy families talk and listen to each other. They respect the other person's point of view, even when it differs from their own. In healthy families, members practice "active listening" says Mary Durkin, Ph.D., author, lecturer and mother of seven. In her book, Making Your Family Work, she says the following five qualities are common to active listeners.

* Giving the other person opportunities to express ideas and feelings--without interrupting.

* Making an honest attempt to understand these ideas and feelings.

* Setting aside preconceived opinions about the other person.

* Showing respect for the other person's right to hold a view different from yours.

* Demonstrating your appreciation for the effort the other person is making.

4 Healthy families have a sense of play and humor.