Dear Wendy - advice given regarding sexual intercourse between disabled persons and dating behavior - Questions and Answers - Brief Article

Accent on Living, Summer, 2001

Romance Reality

Dear Wendy,

As a result of an automobile accident back in 1975, I'm a quadriplegic. Since then, I' have been studying social work along with having miscellaneous medical problems.

About 16 months ago I met the nicest paraplegic man who is just a good friend. Sometimes, friendships grow. How do two people in wheelchairs experience the phenomenon of sexual intercourse? Just how?

Sincerely,

Hopeful

Dear Hopeful,

I love your expression "the phenomenon of sexual intercourse," because it is truly a beautiful phenomenon that all people desire and require for health and happiness. And it is a rainbow phenomenon with all colors and shades of intimacy, from the magic of touching, holding hands, and hugging, to the passion of intimate caressing, oral, and genital contact.

Although this column in no way intends to dispense medical advice and I am not qualified to do so, I would encourage you to seek the advice of your and/or his doctor because there is a growing area where, in some cases, properly prescribed medication, such as Viagra and other devices can restore normal and even better than normal sexual function. Of course, the most important sexual organ is the brain.

As for the literal physical mechanics of overcoming a physical challenge to accomplish sexual coupling, there are a variety of approaches from the augmentation of toys like vibrators to the assistance of care givers and attendants in preparing one or both partners beforehand. One of the most important factors is the communication, agreement, and cooperation of both partners and their willingness to accept alternative sexual techniques and/or the preparation assistance of others.

No one needs to be embarrassed about desiring sex; no one needs to be uncomfortable about assistance in accomplishing it, and everyone deserves the experience of this beautiful "phenomenon." Always remain hopeful.

Dear Wendy,

I am a graduate student in an MBA program. As part of my marketing paper, I am doing research on disabled people and dating.

If you could tell me certain behavioral aspects of disabled people towards dating, like what they like and do they prefer to have disabled partners only, etc., it would be very useful for my project.

Regards,

Thanking you in anticipation.

Graduate Student

Dear Graduate Student,

In regard to specific behavioral aspects and what "they" like to do on dates and if "they" prefer disabled partners, we find that some people with disabilities often settle for a partner that may be inappropriate due to fear that there may not be anyone better or anyone else who may come along. People with disabilities have the same feelings, needs, and desires that you have. We all have expectations and goals and that basic instinct, to be loved. Folks with specific challenges also want their lives to progress in the normal developmental stages of building a relationship with friendship, romance and intimacy.

You are doing a most important topic for your research paper, therefore, I think it is important for you to become familiar with "people first" language. You refer to 'certain behavioral aspects of disabled people.' Referring to people with disabilities' would be utilizing people first language. We are all people first, and some of us may have particular challenges in our lives.

What do people with disabilities like to do on dates? The same things all of us like to do, with specific preferences or (likes or dislikes) for some; i.e. dining out or in, movies, theater, picnics, museums, dancing, taking walks together, good conversation, traveling, etc.

As far as partners desiring a disabled mate, we all seek acceptance. Some people with disabilities seek a non-disabled partner because they feel life would be easier having someone who can help them. Others sometimes seek non-disabled partners because they feel having a disabled partner draws too much attention. What it boils down to is acceptance and sometimes finding a disabled mate is easier because there is greater sensitivity toward each other's needs and lifestyle.

Dear Wendy,

Regarding your column in the Spring issue (pg. 40, Advice to Confused in S.C.). A study was done years ago in two disability-related mags. Polling 500 "mixed" relationships, they found that non-disabled women/disabled men unions, (marriage, romantic relationships, etc.) stayed together almost twice as frequently as able/able relationships. However, disabled women/non-disabled men unions were only 20% as successful -- only one fifth of these relationships lasted at all. Says a lot about men, doesn't it?

However, your advice to confused was a bit off, Wendy. Sure, he should be this gal's boyfriend, lover, and attendant too, when necessary. Do you suggest that when they want to make nice to each other, her attendant should position her, then allow the boyfriend to enter? Kind of kills the whole thing, if unnecessary.

Any non-disabled person who loves a disabled person should do what is necessary to be with that person. Any help with personal needs should be done with love and respect, accepted as such by the disabled person. A wheelchair user who loves you to death, is unselfish, caring, and great company, versus an on-their-feet, selfish, loves you when it's convenient, model good looks, bore. Where's the choice?