Are "the terrible twos" inevitable?

Pediatrics for Parents, Oct, 2003 by Michael K. Meyerhoff

I recently reviewed a college level child development textbook, and I was chagrined to see that the author, an alleged expert on the subject, referred to "the terrible twos" as a "normal" and "inevitable" phenomenon of the early years. Unfortunately, this was not an isolated or even rare event. Far too often, books and articles for both professionals and parents authoritatively state that an older toddler throwing tantrums on a regular basis is something that cannot be avoided.

The fact is that "the terrible twos," although common, should not be regarded as either normal or inevitable. The extreme unpleasantness can be easily prevented via an accurate understanding of early social development and the application of appropriate parenting practices.

Let's start at the beginning. Did you know it is impossible to tickle a baby less than three months of age? When asked why, most parents come up with a physically-based explanation. The infant's nervous system hasn't fully matured yet, the infant's vocal chords are not yet capable of producing laughter, etc.

Interestingly, the reason such a young child does not respond to tickling is the same reason why you can't tickle yourself. If you rub your fingers on your own ribs, you get no thrill. But if someone else rubs their fingers on your ribs, hilarity ensues. Tickling is a social event; and it requires not only the physical sensation of fingers rubbing your ribs but also the knowledge that you are the "ticklee" and someone else is the "tickler."

Prior to three months of age, a baby doesn't have a sense of herself as a separate person. She doesn't know where she ends and someone else begins. Consequently, the social awareness necessary for tickling to take place does not exist.

From roughly three to six months, a baby is an extraordinarily delightful social creature. Now that she has acquired social awareness, she responds with glee to virtually any type of playful interaction initiated by her parents or anyone else. However, it should be noted that at this point, the child is a largely passive partner in the process. Although she happily accepts the overtures of others, she rarely initiates the interactions on her own.

As she enters the second half of the first year, the infant's behavior often takes an apparently alarming turn. Suddenly, anyone other than her parents is likely to be shunned as a social partner. After a few months of unrestricted gregariousness, she now screams in protest when approached by Grandma, Cousin Joe, or anyone else who is not a primary caretaker.

This "stranger anxiety" is a typical side effect of the child's growing cognitive capacities and increased social awareness. It is almost as if she says to herself, "This interpersonal stuff is fun, but it's sort of complicated. Not only do people do things to me, but I'm expected to do things back. And there are rules for what you do and when you do it. I really need to concentrate if I'm going to get this down. So, for the next few months, I'm going to focus exclusively on those people I deal with all the time. I just can't cope with a lot of folks while I'm learning the fundamentals, and everyone else is going to have to back off until I get a handle on how all this works and what I'm supposed to do."

Then, for the next year or so, the child and her parents enjoy a consistently friendly relationship. While others may be dismayed to be left out of the loop, mother and father are thrilled to be having an awful lot of interpersonal fun and are flattered by their "most favored" status.

But then, at about a year-and-a-half of age, something extremely significant happens. One day, the child realizes that not only is she a "player" in the social game, she actually has power. Instead of being a passive recipient or a novice reactor, she can actually control social situations. She can make other people dance to her tune. And the realization that she has this kind of power, as always, is absolutely intoxicating.

Think about it. Let's say you woke up tomorrow morning and realized you had the power to fly. Would you say, "That's cool. Maybe later, when I get home from work, I'll check it out." No. Immediately, you would have to determine the extent of your newfound power. How high can you fly? How fast can you fly? How far can you fly? Can you do loop-de-loops and other tricks?

Well, it is the same for the toddler. Psychologically she is forced to test the limits of her social power. And regrettably, this is most often manifested in what is referred to as "negativism." "No" becomes her favorite word, and she adamantly refuses every request, violates every instruction, and ignores every admonition.

This is a critical point. If parents comprehend the situation, they do not take their toddler's routine nastiness personally. Furthermore, they create opportunities for their little one to exercise her power without having to do so by confronting them. So, for instance, when getting the child dressed, they avoid saying things like, "Please put on your shirt" or "Do you want to put on your shirt now?" Instead, they lay out the child's clothes and ask, "Are you going to put your shirt on first or your pants on first?" This permits the child to be "in charge" within reasonable parameters and without having to oppose her parents.