Double trouble? - Perspectives on Parenting

Pediatrics for Parents, Dec, 2001 by Michael K. Meyerhoff

Due to improvements in prenatal care, increased use of fertility drugs, the tendency for modern women to delay childbearing, and various other factors, multiple births are becoming fairly common.

Nevertheless, twins, triplets, and other multiples are still considered "special." And although most parents receive ample warning that more than one baby is on the way, many still find themselves unprepared to handle the unusual challenges that come with raising two or more children of the same age simultaneously.

There are no universal rules for dealing with multiples as the configuration of each family is different and the personalities of all the people involved are unique. However, experts on child development and experienced parents do offer some general guidelines and specific suggestions.

The basic premise for success seems to be striking a balance between fostering a sense of individuality in each child and encouraging the mutually supportive relationship the children are naturally inclined to establish with each other.

As time goes by, the particular problems that confront parents and their multiples change in form and content. The degree of conflict depends upon genetic make-up (for instance, whether the children are identical twins or different-sex fraternal twins). But the importance of supporting both individuality and a close bond remains constant.

The following are some useful tips. While most references are to twins, the principles apply to triplets and other multiples as well.

At Birth

As soon as the children are born, the factors of novelty and convenience typically work together to diminish the individuality of each baby. Parents occasionally (and relatives and friends frequently) lapse into the habit of thinking of the twins as a matched set as opposed to two distinct infants. While boy-girl fraternal twins sometimes escape this trap, identical twins and same-sex fraternal twins tend to be given similar names and dressed in similar outfits -- quickly becoming "the twins" in everyone's mind. They are expected to have the same growth and behavior patterns, and they are routinely fed, diapered, and put to sleep in an assembly line manner.

But even genetically identical twins begin to show physical and temperamental differences as soon as they are born. Womb positions, prenatal incidents, events during the birth process, etc., imbue each child with distinctive characteristics. If the children are to develop to their full potential, the care they receive must respect whatever dissimilarities they exhibit.

Of course, all babies -- not only multiples -- typically are a lot alike, and any dissimilarities they display may be quite subtle. Therefore, mothers and fathers may need to make a concerted effort to detect and foster individuality right from the start.

It is recommended that parents avoid the similar-name syndrome and not buy identical outfits. (If received as gifts, the children can wear them on different days.) Furthermore, it is imperative that parents resist the temptation to simply go ahead and do the same for both children whenever one requires something. Instead, parents should strive to respond to each child only as he or she has a specific need. While this may reduce efficiency and add to parental fatigue, it pays significant psychological dividends for the kids in the long run.

The First Years

As multiples grow, their distinctive characteristics become more readily apparent to their parents -- although not always to relatives and friends. It helps others to keep from lumping the twins together if the parents always refer to each of the children by name and point out their dissimilarities more often than their similarities. Having separate portraits of the children is another good idea.

Indications of the special relationship between multiples also become evident during infancy and toddlerhood -- first cuddling together in the crib, followed by mutual exploration and reciprocal babbling, and eventually interactive play. Since they have an ever-present playmate, multiples definitely have an advantage in finding entertaining and educational opportunities when parents do not have time to provide them.

Having a built-in buddy is nice for the twins, but it can create problems for other children in the family. An older sibling's natural resentment at the inevitably large loss of parental attention may be exacerbated by feelings of being "left out" by the twins too.

The natural resentment of toddler twins toward a younger sibling, coupled with their tendency to "gang up" on their little brother or sister, may make them a more serious threat to the younger child. Because the twins have always had to share their mother and father with each other, the normal patterns of sibling rivalry usually are not as strong between the twins themselves. But parents need to watch for especially fierce rivalries between the twins and other siblings.

The Preschool Period

As multiples move on and begin to engage in an increasing number of out-of-home activities, some problems may recur and new considerations enter the picture. The children may again find themselves regularly being referred to as "the twins" and treated as a single unit rather than as individuals -- this time by preschool teachers, playground supervisors, etc.