`Where's the meat?' - public misunderstandings about what makes us a vegetarian diet

Vegetarian Times, Nov, 2000 by Ann Myles

Our guide to resolving potentially disastrous dining situations

Linda Kitay has nothing against salad. Or green beans for that matter. But they were the last thing the New York City resident expected to see occupy her entire dinner plate at a recent party. "I couldn't believe it," she says. "The hostess knew I was vegetarian and had assured me that there would be plenty to eat. I didn't expect a meal made especially for me, but I would've been happy with a baked potato or at least something with enough calories to get me through the evening."

If you're a vegetarian, this kind of scenario is probably a familiar one. Despite the fact that more and more people are becoming veg, many other people are still in the dark about what exactly a vegetarian diet is--and it's up to us to politely inform them.

Guest Reservations

A quick attitude adjustment saved the night for Kitay, whose iceberg lettuce and green beans entree was hardly fare fit for anyone. "I didn't want the host to feel uncomfortable or to ruin the evening for anyone else. So I reminded myself it was just one meal, and I was really there for the pleasure of the company, not the food."

This kind of flexibility won't get you the veg meal of your dreams, but it is what etiquette experts recommend. "It's presumptuous to expect someone to prepare two menus," explains Letitia Baldrige, former social secretary to the White House during the Kennedy administration and author of 15 books on manners and entertaining, including Letitia Baldrige's Complete Guide to the New Manners for the 90s (Rawsan, 1990). No matter how pathetic the offerings or how insensitive your host, Baldrige advises the slighted guest to focus on the positive. "You can tell them how wonderful it is to be here or even that the rolls are so delicious, you can't stop eating them," she says.

Downplaying conversation about your vegetarian lifestyle is also a good idea, according to Baldrige. If your host doesn't already know you're a vegetarian, keep the information to yourself when you get to the dinner party. "Never discuss diet," she says emphatically. "If people only talk about their diets at the dinner table, you can conclude they have nothing else to say."

While many experts maintain the "don't ask, don't tell" approach is the vegetarian's best defense, not everyone agrees. Baldrige might frown, but some seasoned party-goers say that in practice, both guest and host are happier when the meatless issue is out in the open. "I think it's your obligation to tell your host you're a vegetarian," says Fran Cohen, a mind/body therapist and vegetarian cooking consultant. "I tell my host not to go to any trouble--that I can bring my own food or that I'm happy with some pasta and olive oil or grilled vegetables."

For a big social event like a wedding, Cohen usually eats at home to stave off hunger beforehand. "Then I can always find something at the affair to munch on, like crudites." It's also a good idea to inform your waitperson that you're vegetarian; he or she will often be more than happy to help you find something you can eat.

The No-Stress Host

When the tables are turned and you're the one doing the serving, an obvious dilemma arises: Do you serve up what you'd want to eat or do you cater to nonvegetarian guests? If you're biting your nails just contemplating the question, relax. You can serve a meal that will satisfy the taste buds of your guests as well as your own sensibilities. As you will see, the key is sensitivity to different dietary lifestyles--and the ability to assess your guests.

Rather than starting with the assumption that you know what people want to eat, try and find out. When you issue the invitations or accept RSVPs, ask whether your guest has special dietary needs. If there are too many guests to accommodate or you get too many special requests ("no gluten, please," "no nuts" or "nothing soupy"), take the pressure off everyone by serving an assortment of dishes. With a variety of dishes to choose from, guests can help themselves without feeling as if their choices are being scrutinized, and hosts can enjoy their company instead of playing waiter.

OK, here's the big question: Should you serve meat? The answer: Only if you want to. If you're not comfortable serving meat, then don't. "If you're asking new guests to dinner, say with great glee that they're going to eat the best vegetarian meal they've ever had," says Baldrige. "Tell them in advance when you invite them; they'll be excited. Everyone wants to try something new."

Then of course, the trick is making your meal live up to its advance billing. Catherine August of Westport, Conn., is a vegetarian for ethical reasons and refuses to serve meat. When it's her turn to entertain omnivorous guests, she emphasizes exotic produce. "I splurge on wild mushrooms, baby artichokes and heirloom tomatoes to give guests a sense of luxury," she says. If guests are still unimpressed, August claims that all resistance disappears when they see the main course. "It's usually something wrapped in phyllo dough or pastry," she says. "Even though it's fairly easy to do, it looks difficult and seems to really wow guests." And while August happily makes tofu and brown rice for close friends and family, she steers clear of them when she entertains more formally. "I'm comfortable with things like seitan and tempeh, but I recognize that most people aren't. I want to delight my guests, not challenge them, so I make a point of serving familiar foods."