Zero tolerance doesn't work - disagreements about eating habits - Editorial

Vegetarian Times, Feb, 1996 by Toni Apgar

Once winter's COOL, bluish light takes over the land, it seems the kitchen assumes even more prominence in a household. It casts a warm, comforting light that has more life to it than nature's wintry hues. If you are traveling here and there around dinnertime this season, look into people's homes and notice the light from around back, by the kitchen. Maybe it will seem to you, too, that it is more friendly than the light from other rooms. You can almost smell something cooking, and hear the clatter of plates being set at the table.

But in some households, you also can hear the sharp sounds of discord, or even worse, silence. In a family or among close friends that share everyday meals, one member's vegetarianism can spark angry confrontations with other, non-vegetarian diners. In our article this month, "Can This Refrigerator Be Saved?" (p. 58), we interview many couples and families whose meals are soured by stress and bitterness because someone is vegetarian and someone else isn't.

I gave this matter great thought, because the level of vegetarianism in my own household varies from time to time. I came to the conclusion that among the many things on which we might disagree, the food on the table isn't one. Who shops for it, who prepares it, who sets the table and who dears it can all be sources of disagreement, but once we sit down, our conversation turns to other things. While reading the article and seeing some of the pain brought about by who eats what, I wanted to reach out to each person and say, "What you eat matters much less than making the time to share this life-sustaining activity with those you love." If we all stop focusing on what goes into other people's mouths and instead think about the words coming out of them--he ideas, the expressions of hope, the uncertainty and fears, die laughter-then we might realize that coming together at mealtime and listening to each other means so much more than what we eat.

Tolerance is a tricky thing. Too much of it and you end up compromising your values; too little of it and you end up alone. like other vegetarians, I love the choice I've made and often feel die need to try to convince others to adopt this way of eating that embraces all of life. But if I had wanted to work from a pulpit, I would have chosen a different career. I think we're all probably most convincing not when we spearhead a debate, but when we allow our healthy, fun-loving, agreeable selves to show through. That said, what advice do I give if your mate brings home and consumes steak for dinner? You talk about it. You let open and honest communication, respect for differences and love guide you. By listening to each other and allowing harsh judgments to soften, chances are you won't have to raise your voice at dinner.

Well, not about the food, anyway.