Help! I'm surrounded by idiots! Snappy comebacks to stupid remarks - responses for vegetarians - Last Morsel - Column

Vegetarian Times, August, 1996 by Catherine Censor Shemo

YOU'RE in the cafeteria, enjoying a salad and minding your own business. Then you see that guy from the office down the hall--the creep who doesn't miss an opportunity to give you grief over your diet--coming your way. You steel yourself for his inevitable dig, knowing secretly that this is a day that will make cafeteria history: The day in which you finally get the last word. Unbeknowrst to El Creepo, you've stashed this handy list of withering comebacks under your napkin. Go ahead, let him have it. He deserves it. Just try not to chortle.

Boorish Carnivore: "You vegetarians love to deny yourself things, don't you?"

Snapper: "Yes, things like heart attacks, diabetes and cancer."

Boorish Carnivore: "Tofu is gross. Snapper: "But 'sliced tongue' has aesthetic appeal?"

Boorish Carnivore: "If you ate meat, you'd be taller."

Snapper: "If you read up on nutrition, you'd be quieter. One study of children raised on a vegan diet revealed that they had perfectly adequate growth compared to other children."

Boorish carnivore: "How do-you get enough protein?"

Snapper: "By eating enough food. Protein isn't just in meat--it's in grains, legumes and vegetables, too. Simply eating a varied diet with adequate calories takes care of my protein needs."

Boorish Carnivore: "Don't carrots feel pain when you slice them?"

Snapper: "Is your pet rock insulted when you forget to walk it?"

Boorish Carnivore: Vegetarianism is weird.

Snapper: "Not quite as weird as killing animals and burying their remains in your body."

Boorish Carnivore: Vegetarian food is too expensive."

Snapper: "Sure. Beans are much pricier than steak."

Boorish Carnivore: If we stop eating cows, won't they become extinct?"

Snapper: "Let me get this straight: I have to kill a cow or it might die?"

Boorish Carnivore: If you ate meat, you wouldn't have that cold."

Snapper: "If you stopped sneezing on me, I wouldn't have this cold."

Boorish Carnivore: Vegetarians can t eat in normal restaurants."

Snapper: "Yeah, we're limited to just a few specialized cuisines: American, Italian, French, Japanese, Chinese, Indian, Mexican, Moroccan, Thai...(continue until the carnivore concedes)"

Boorish Carnivore: "I'd like to be a vegetarian, but I don't have the time to cook like that."

Snapper: "Really? I find that cooking up some 5-minute couscous and sauteed, marinated veggies takes a lot less time than baking a chicken on a Sunday afternoon. I guess I'll have to get my watch checked."

Boorish Carnivore: "You re too serious about this vegetarian stuff. My philosophy is live and let live."

Snapper: "So is mine."