Kenny & Julia Loggins' recipe for lasting love ; the main ingredients: total honesty, commitment and a willingness to take responsibility for your feelings

Vegetarian Times, August, 1998 by Suzanne Gerber

Is there an art to speaking the truth?

Julia: The kind of truth-telling we're talking about involves being willing to take responsibility. So even if Kenny said `I'm not feeling attracted to you right now,' he's willing to look at what was happening for him: Was fear clouding his eyes, was he afraid or angry, was something else going on? I don't think you can sugarcoat the truth, except to not character-assassinate someone.

A great deal of my own personal work involves the ability to hear the truth without running out of the room or shouting names. That has to do with my own work on my childhood issues, and hearing something for what it is, and seeing Kenny for who he is and not confusing him with any of the other characters in my life. Of course it's always painful to hear anything that isn't wonderful, but the trick is to take a deep breath and ask, `What's that about?' When Kenny tells me I'm not looking attractive to him or that someone else is, I try to be centered enough to say, without faking it a bit, `Gosh that's interesting, `cause I'm feeling pretty good today. So what do you think this might be about?'

Kenny: I'm also willing not to stop at the "battering" part. If I tell Julia that I'm feeling numb or not attracted to her, her job is not to make herself look attractive to me. She's just going to be with me in that moment so I can look at what's going on. I know that when my heart is open, she's the most beautiful woman in the world. What I've learned is that when I contract around fear, she gets less beautiful. So instead of thinking the problem is her, I recognize that what's going on is a perceptual reality based on my feelings. I can use that to get in touch with the answer to, `Why am I shutting down? Am I afraid?' Usually I find the problem is fear-based.

Julia: And it's usually something unspoken. That's why we're such warriors for the truth. Anything unspoken, even the littlest things, can become a wall between us.

How can less psychologically oriented people accomplish this?

Kenny: First you have to realize that you're using each other as mirrors for your own growth. One doesn't have to do this, but if you'd like to experience love with your partner on a daily basis, I'd give it a hell of a good shot! Because the only option I know is going numb in a relationship. I've done that and I'll tell you, it sucks.

What happens if you're both feeling shut down at the same time?

Kenny: I might be under a lot of stress from work or the kids and she might say, `Hey, I'm really in it too.' Then one of us might suggest we take time apart--go out back to the studio and hit the punching bags rather than take it out on each other. We try to remember we are each other's ally not enemy. If we forget for a moment, we tell each other, `You're getting me confused with someone else. I love you and I'll do anything for you, so let's start there.'

So one of you always has the presence of mind to bring the other back?

Julia: I'd say that the relationship brings us back. We know that our relationship is bigger than either of us as individuals and that there's a force that's greater than us, that doesn't require effort or consciousness. We believe love is that force that's greater than us and loves us and wants us to be happy and keeps our hearts open.