How to protect your child from abuse

Vibrant Life, Sept-Oct, 1997 by Gary Hopkins

It seems as though we hear a lot about child abuse from friends, on the television, and in the newspapers. You know, "Did you hear about so-and-so? He got arrested for molesting a little girl." Or maybe a little boy.

These reports raise serious questions. Who are these people called "sexual abusers" or "predators"? Is it possible to identify them ahead of time? What should you tell your children that would held protect them against such horrible acts?

Over the past couple decades, many authors have taken on the topic of sexual abuse without much written about the abuser. But researchers are uncovering information that might be useful to parents, teachers, or just good citizens.

Much of the following information first appeared in "Child Sexual Abuse Prevention: What Offenders Tell Us," a 1995 research article by Browne and Kilcoyne published in Child Abuse and Neglect. Browne and Kilcoyne report what 91 sexual offenders told them.

Most offenders were between the ages of 30 and 42. Half of them were married at the time that they committed these offenses. Thirty-five percent were from professional backgrounds; 93 percent targeted children victims only, and 30 percent had sexually assaulted 10 victims or more. Girls were the targets of 58 percent, boys only by 14 percent, and 28 percent molested both boys and girls. A third of the offenders were arrested for molesting their own children; another third had never met their victims; and the last third were acquaintances. All of the molesters were males.

Victim selection

Child molesters reveal that a common feature they look for in their victims is the appearance of a lack of self-confidence. "You can spot the child who is unsure of himself and target him with compliments and positive attention." Each one also sought children with whom they could develop a special relationship. "Unless the child and I like each other and find each other attractive, it doesn't work. I have to feel as if I am important and special to the child and giving the child the love she needs and isn't getting."

Most frequently they searched for their victims in public places and then worked to gain acceptance into the child's home. Victims were often encountered in schools, amusement parks, shopping centers, arcades -- all places where kids congregate.

Location & Strategy Of Abuse

Abusive acts most often occurred in the offender's home (61 percent), the abused child's home (49 percent), or in the outdoors (44 percent). In decreasing order of frequency, strategies abusers used were playing or teaching activities; isolating the child through baby-sitting; giving the child a ride home; offering understanding or love; or gaining the trust of the family of the child. Many offered to play games with the children or to teach them a sport. Baby-sitters started by talking about sex to the victim, offering to bathe or to dress the child. They also told the children that the sexual act would be good for them and their education -- that this is what people who love each other do. Almost all of the abusers said that once they had developed a successful strategy, they would approach their victim with the same method every time.

First Sexual Contact

During the initial sexual contact the abuser would talk about sex, use accidental touches, offer gifts (bribes), or verbal persuasion. Only 19 percent would use physical force during the first contact.

Most offenders initiated the abuse by testing the child's reaction to sex by talking about sex, using sexual materials, or subtly increased sexual touching. If the child reacted at the mention of sex, abusers would back off, wait for a while, and then gently bring up sex talk again, slowly. Only about one quarter of the offenders would threaten physical harm if the child didn't cooperate. The abusive relationship was maintained when the abusers would threaten to break off the relationship or threaten to blame the child victim.

The abusers often chose children rather than adults because kids are less threatening and they were looking for something "new" in a relationship. Half of the offenders felt that the victim was not distressed from the incident and nearly two thirds feared that the child would report them.

Recommendations to Parents and Teachers

Offenders suggest that parents and teachers need specific instruction regarding what's best to tell children. "Kids are easy to trick when they don't have a clue what I'm trying to do." They further claim that "kids should avoid secluded, remote places. Don't play in deserted stairways or streets at night; don't ever play hide-and-seek alone -- hide in groups." They recommend that "children are too trusting and need to be told that everyone is not trustworthy," and that kids should tell if anyone tries to trick them, "makes strange suggestions or talks about sexual things or seems to touch or brush up against them accidentally." Offenders say that they rarely approached children in groups.

Never allow your children to go into public toilets alone. "A great place to hang out is in a kiddies' hamburger-type restaurant. Little boys, especially, go into toilets alone, and they aren't expecting someone to try to touch them. Most of the time the kids are too embarrassed even to shout." Offenders say that parents should teach their children to "leave the toilet yelling if someone tries to touch them."