Do you help or hound your heavy spouse? - sabotaging or supporting your spouse's efforts to lose weight

Vibrant Life, Sept-Oct, 1991 by Albert J. Patt

Donna dreaded going to the class reunion with me. "How could I face my former classmates in a size 22 1/2 dress?" At that point she made a decision to join a weight loss program and lose those 75 extra pounds.

I did my best to "help" her. At the table I reminded her, "Isn't that your third muffin, Donna?" Or between meals: "Is snitching peanuts on your program?" When I accidentally discovered a hidden, almost-empty four-pound box of chocolate creams, I "kindly" chided, "Donna, when are you going to get serious about losing? I'm disappointed." I reasoned that she'd appreciate my genuine interest. Little did I realize that my "counseling" badgered her.

A few years later, while teaching a weight-control class, Donna confided to her participants, "Whenever my husband harassed me about not being faithful to the program, I waited until he left for the office, then trotted to the refrigerator for those "comfort" foods.

What a revelation! She labeled my "help" as harassment!

Yet despite my clumsy attempts to help her lose weight, concern helped her surmount her obstacles -- me and her excess pounds. For 19 years she has been wearing petite size 10 clothes.

Having worked with overweight people for several years, we've discovered that many men and women derail their spouse's attempts to reduce.

More than lip service. Walter was not only 95 pounds overweight, but had the by-products of obesity: high blood pressure and, elevated blood sugar, cholesterol, and triglycerides. His risk for a coronary heart attack was dangerously high. He and his wife, Becky, knew something had to be done or Walter would be headed for coronary bypass surgery. They decided he should spend a few weeks at a health/fitness/lifestyle center.

After returning home, Walter explained to Becky that his diet needed a drastic overhaul, and gave her a notebook full of recipes. "Walter, I could never in a million years learn how to cook these dishes. Besides, I don't have time."

Today Becky doesn't need to change her cooking habits for her husband. She's a widow.

Ian wanted Eloise to lose--said he'd be glad to pay as much as $1,000 for a course that would help her shed 60 pounds. But whenever they went shopping, he bought the family triple-dip ice-cream cones and other high-sugar snacks.

Sabotagers often hide a personal problem. Spouses who belittle or otherwise discourage their mates sometimes have a personal problem they're trying to hide.

Bruce failed at kicking his smoking and drinking habits. He knows he should also lose weight, but refuses to give up his steaks, desserts, and beer. Never able to stick to a diet, he sabotages his wife's efforts. If she were to succeed, it would emphasize his lack of self-control.

Angelo suffers from low self-esteem, and he feeds his ego by demeaning his wife. In the month spent at a health club, Mary lost 20 pounds of her 100-pound goal. When she returned home, Angelo sneered at her success. He saw no difference. To him she had wasted $3,000! Mary soon regained all her lost pounds and added five more. "Can't Angelo understand I had made progress? I quit!"

Stan had an irrational fear that if Gracie lost weight, she'd become so attractive to other men that she might leave him! Consequently, he always derailed her progress.

Being supportive. Many spouses are supportive. Take Frank, who doesn't need to lose a pound, yet exercises with his wife, Sherie, and respects her food choices.

In the evening they discuss her progress and make suggestions on how she can improve. Sherie is delighted. "I owe my success to Frank's willingness to listen. Because he cooperates and we communicate well, I'm willing to try his suggestions."

By cooperating, the spouse of the dieter also gains, but not pounds. For George's sake, Jan, with no weight problem, no longer snacks between meals. She eats what her husband eats, and she's feeling the benefits of exercising with him.

If in reading this article you recognize your own bumbling efforts to be "helpful," consider these suggestions:

1. Stop bugging! If you have been overbearing and demeaning, stop. Weight loss is a tough battle, and harassment brings discouragement. Are you the cause of lapses?

2. Lighten the load. Maybe your mate's eating patterns grow from frustration, disappointment, or overwork that you can help remedy. Give support when discussing his or her weight loss efforts by saying such words as "I love you, honey. I'm really interested in your program and want you to succeed. I don't want you to ever feel that I'm pressuring or hounding you. I want to cooperate. Tell me how I can help you most."

3. Be understanding. You may have never had a weight problem, so you may not really understand why your partner has trouble losing. Emphasizing failures can force clandestine eating. Be considerate. When I once told Donna "I didn't think you'd stick to this diet, either," she felt more helpless than ever. Faith in your spouse's ultimate success generates enthusiasm to succeed.