Do's and don'ts for dealing with difficult people

Shape, Sept, 2004 by Kathryn Perrotti Leavitt

Your co-worker embarrasses you in front of the boss. Your sister-in-law never returns your phone calls. The grocery cashier closes his lane just as you've unloaded your cart. Everyday life is full of interactions that can make even the calmest person feel like screaming, and when these feelings strike, it can be hard to know how to manage them.

"When a situation is uncomfortable, people tend to back away or overreact," says Marty Brounstein, a management and organizational-development consultant in San Mateo, Calif., and author of Communicating Effectively for Dummies (John Wiley & Sons, 2001). "Neither helps you deal with the situation."

There are better ways to handle tense moments. Here's what experts suggest.

don't ...

Take it personally. If one of your co-workers won't get off your back, remember that "difficult people often behave the same with everyone," says management consultant Lucy Gill, author of How to Work With Just About Anyone (Fireside, 1999). "When you take it personally, you get emotional and lose the ability to think logically."

Go on the attack. When you need to tell someone how you feel, "don't say anything out of anger and frustration," says Brounstein. For example, avoid blowing up at a meddlesome friend and telling her you never want to hear her advice again. Stay calm and keep your comments brief.

Repeat what doesn't work. When your sister-in-law neglects to return a phone call, instead of waiting around for her to call you back and fuming, Gill suggests sending an e-mail or visiting her instead.

do ...

Choose your battles. If you get cut off in traffic, take a deep breath and blow it off. But if you're having a long-standing problem with a close friend or family member, try to work toward a resolution.

Avoid "problem dwelling." Move on and discuss solutions rather than focusing on (and continually complaining about) a problem.

Accept people as they are. Some folks are relentlessly difficult, but Brounstein says it's good practice to try giving even them the benefit of the doubt. If your interaction produces friction, it may be partly your fault too. (It takes two to argue.)

Work on yourself. Communicating effectively isn't always about fixing the other person. Be consistently respectful and positive, and you'll have fewer difficult people to deal with.