Your answer to cancer

Shape, Oct, 2004 by Susan Chaityn Lebovits

Chances are, at some point you will encounter a family member, friend, neighbor or colleague who is contending with cancer. Not sure how to offer your support? Here, advice from experts and patients.

Say something. "Just the simple phrase 'I don't know what to say' can be the catalyst," says Susan P. Halpern, author of The Etiquette of Illness (Bloomsbury, 2004). "Everything will flow from there."

Offer concrete help. A vague "Let me know if there's anything I can do" leaves the responsibility on the patient and caregivers to figure out what kind of help you're willing to give and when you're willing to give it.

Reach out--even if you're far away. Patients can feel love and support from a distance in numerous ways, through cards that can be saved and reread, thoughtful phone messages and e-mails that don't require a response, and gifts.

Be encouraging without trivializing. Comments like "I know how you feel" or "You're going to be fine" downplay the magnitude of the disease, says Lisa Kramer, a Hodgkin's lymphoma survivor in Toronto. Some thoughtful words include "I'm here for you" and "I'm scared too. We'll get through this together."

Provide support post-treatment. Elise Partridge of Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada, says she was grateful for the support she received after treatment, when the realities of post-cancer life set in. Continue to check in after treatments finish, and keep in mind that remembering milestones (six months out of chemo, one year in remission) is appreciated.