Too tired for sex? If the only thing you want to do in bed is sleep, try these expert ideas to add passion to your love life

Shape, Oct, 2004 by Jennifer Matlack

Like a lot of 20- and 30-something couples, my husband and I do three things in bed: We sleep, we read and sometimes we have sex. I can't blame our infrequent lovemaking on an outworn relationship (we've been married just a little over a year), old age (I'm 34 and supposedly in my sexual prime) or a lack-of-interest "headache" (I love my husband and sex). The problem? Fatigue. By the time we crawl under the covers, we're barely up for turning the pages of a novel and giving each other a quick kiss good night. Who has the energy for anything else?

"Long work hours, stressful jobs and family responsibilities run us down during the day, so by the time night comes, all many couples want to do is eat dinner, watch TV and go to sleep," says Michele Weiner-Davis, M.S.W., a marriage therapist based in Woodstock, III., and author of The Sex-Starved Marriage: Boosting Your Marriage Libido: A Couple's Guide (Simon & Schuster, 2003; sexstarvedmarriage.com). So what can you do to get turned on instead of conking out? Here are five eye-opening tips:

1. Think sexy thoughts. "Thinking about sex is one of the most powerful ways to psych yourself up for it," says Ava Cadell, Ph.D., a clinical sexologist in private practice in Los Angeles and author of 12 Steps to Everlasting Love (Peters Publishing, 2004; sexpert.com). Clear your mind of stressful thoughts (take a warm bath, go for a brisk walk around the block or try meditating), and then visualize the steamy details of your impending tryst: What kinds of arousing things will you and your lover do and say to each other? "Painting a titillating scenario in your head will get your body in the mood by increasing blood flow to the genitals," explains Cadell.

2. Shake things up. When it comes to routines, sex is a lot like exercise. "If all you ever did was run 12 laps around the local high school track, you'd eventually get bored and your workout would suffer," says Sandor Gardos, Ph.D., a San Francisco-based sex therapist and founder of My Pleasure.com, an online retailer of adult toys and sex-enhancement products. The same goes for lovemaking. Changing your romance routine can mean the difference between yawning at sex and yearning for it. Experimenting with new positions or erotic toys boosts libido, but another key is mixing up the times when you make love--especially if it's usually at night, when you're most exhausted. "Mornings are terrific because that's when you're refueled and refreshed," Gardos says. If a.m. sex doesn't light your fire, then seduce your lover on the couch after work, but before you've had a cocktail or dinner, both of which only increase fatigue. Or you might try scheduling a weekend afternoon rendezvous.

3. Use your nose. Smells are among the most powerful aphrodisiacs, says Alan R. Hirsch, M.D., neurological director of the Smell & Taste Treatment and Research Foundation in Chicago and author of Scentsational Sex: The Secret to Using Aroma for Arousal (Element, 1998). Some common smells to put you in the mood include jasmine, vanilla, rose or sandalwood, according to Hyla Cass, M.D., co-author of Natural Highs: Feel Good All the Time (Avery, 2002; cassmd.com). Scents to avoid? Hirsch's research found that cherries, barbecued meat and even men's cologne squelch female libido.

4. Communicate. Constant stimulation all day can make you and/or your partner long for solitude and quiet at night. The result? An emotional wedge forms between the two of you. Feeling connected to your partner plays a large part in the desire for physical intimacy, notes Judith Orloff, M.D., a psychiatrist in Los Angeles and author of Positive Energy: 10 Extraordinary Prescriptions for Transforming Fatigue, Stress & Fear Into Vibrance, Strength & Love (Harmony, 2004). To create a stronger bond and fuel erotic energy, Orloff suggests regularly expressing positive emotions in an open and loving way. "Honest communication about how you feel and what you need sexually helps you tune in to your partner and leads to sexual intimacy," Orloff says.

5. Get some sleep. "Deep, restful sleep replenishes emotional, physical and sexual energy levels," says David Simon, M.D., medical director of the Chopra Center in Carlsbad, Calif., and author of Vital Energy: The 7 Keys to Invigorate Body, Mind & Soul (Wiley, 2000). Also, during the night our bodies secrete the hormone DHEA, which helps produce the sex hormones testosterone and estrogen, both of which play a major role in sex drive.

RELATED ARTICLE: For Your Reading Pleasure

Looking for a little more inspiration to ignite your sex life? Check out these arousing reads.

The Lazy Girl's Guide to Good Sex, by Anita Naik (Piatkus Books, 2002; $12), is the ultimate good-sex guide, explaining everything from basic biology to STDs, performance problems and solo stimulation to orgasm-boosting insights, positions and techniques.

365 Days of Sensational Sex: Tantalizing Tips and Techniques to Keep the Fires Burning All Year Long, by Lou Paget (Gotham Books, 2003; $25), might just inspire you to do it daily! The book features pointers on creating a more erotic atmosphere, being open and adventurous, communicating your fantasies and more.