The binge monster: "when i feel out of control, the only thing that matters is how this food will make me feel better now."

I have to admit something awful. I went on a full-blown, out-of-control food binge. First, I consumed the entire box of chocolate macadamia cookies at the back of my fridge. Next I downed a stack of Clif Bars (which were far more appealing slathered in an inch of crunchy peanut butter). Then I topped a gargantuan sesame seed bagel with a layer of creamy butter and a thick chunk of Gouda before biting into it.

A rummage through the cupboard revealed a half-eaten packet of chips left over from some long-ago party; I devoured the contents within minutes. Damage done, why stop there? I trotted down to my newspaper vendor for two Snickers, a Butterfinger and a Mars Bar. ("For my sister," I lied, pointlessly.)

Yes, the Binge Monster had reared her head again. "But why?" asked a close friend, baffled by my humiliating admission. "You've been doing so well!"

If you've never depended on food as an emotional crutch during times of stress--be it bereavement, loss of a job, a breakup, or even a particularly hard day at work--then you indeed have no way of comprehending how this happened to me. But I know many of you understand all too well.

When something hard to handle happens (an out-of-the-blue breakup brought on this particular downward spiral), I veer into total mindlessness, where the only thing that matters is how food is going to make me feel better now.

The next day, bloated and suffering from a major food hangover, I felt at least 7 pounds heavier. I also was racked with shame that I wasn't able to control my impulses. Although rationally I know that food won't miraculously soothe away all uncomfortable feelings, the compulsion to binge is something I still struggle with, even after 10 months of professional help.

Faced with the prospect of recounting the horrors of the previous day to my psychologist, Jean Petrucelli, Ph.D., I desperately wanted to gloss over my guilty secret. But, embarrassed as I was about admitting to the binge, I needed her insight.

"Next time you think you're going to binge, put in a delay," Petrucelli advised. "Instead of eating mindlessly, give yourself 30 minutes to write down exactly what you're feeling at the moment. Rather than act on impulse, try to sort out the emotions lying beneath."

My nutritionist Suki Hertz, M.S., R.D., also weighed in with advice: "If you can't prevent it, then at least don't binge standing up. Turn that potential binge into a civilized meal with everything you want to eat on a plate and use a knife and fork. That just might help jolt you out of it."

Great advice. So even if it's just cutlery and a pencil and paper, Little Miss Binge Monster, when you come knocking at my door again, I'll be armed. I can't say for sure that these weapons will be enough to keep me from giving in, but at least I have a few more of them in my arsenal.

RELATED ARTICLE: WHAT I LEARNED

1. Don't let a binge spiral into days of endless eating. Get back on track the next day, but don't try to compensate by eating too little.

2. Learn new ways to deal with difficult emotions, rather than numbing yourself with food. Meditation, exercise and journaling can help you understand and process your feelings.

3. Resist the impulse to isolate yourself when you're at an emotional low; it's especially important to connect with someone then who supports your weight-loss efforts.

NEXT MONTH

Jacqui takes her fitness to a higher level by training for her first marathon.

COPYRIGHT 2004 Weider Publications
COPYRIGHT 2004 Gale Group