Why 'me first' makes sense: are you so busy trying to be a good friend, spouse, mother, daughter, neighbor and employee that you neglect your own needs? To find out, take our quiz

Shape, Oct, 2005 by Stacey Colino

1. A close friend is going through a rough time and desperately wants a girls' night out tonight. It's been a draining day, so you:

a. tell her you'll go out but need to make it an early night.

b. have her over for a glass of wine.

c. ask her if you can do it tomorrow because you're just too tired.

Instant insight "Women have a very hard time saying no," says Alice Domar, Ph.D., director of the Mind/Body Center for Women's Health at Boston IVF and co-author of Self-Nurture: Learning to Care for Yourself as Effectively as You Care for Everyone Else (Penguin, 2001). "If you continue to say yes to everyone else and deplete yourself, you're not going to be any good to anyone, including yourself." How to strike the right balance? For every good thing you do for someone else, try to do something for just you.

2. When was the last time you visited the doctor's office for a routine booster shot?

a. When you were a kid.

b. During the senior George Bush's administration.

c. You'd have to check, but in the last decade, for sure.

Instant insight If you think vaccinations are just for kids, you're sorely mistaken. "Most people don't keep up with their immunizations," says Sue DeCotiis, M.D., an internist in New York City. "You need a tetanus shot every 10 years, even as an adult." Also consider getting the hepatitis B vaccine (especially if you're not in a monogamous relationship), the hepatitis A vaccine (if you travel abroad frequently) and an annual flu shot.

3. You prefer to put some money aside for your personal needs while your significant other wants to drop it all in a household fund. As a result, when you two discuss finances, you:

a. hold your tongue because you don't want the argument to escalate.

b. explode and accuse him of being a selfish money manager.

c. calmly tell him you think you should be setting aside more for your own interests.

Instant insight Not only can "stuffing" your feelings ultimately make you feel bad about yourself, Domar says, but self-silencing can even be hazardous to your health. In fact, a recent study found that women who avoid conflict with their spouses have nearly four times the risk of dying from any cause as those who always show their feelings. How to express yourself constructively? "Calmly state, 'This is why I think X' or 'I feel X when you do Y because ...'" Domar suggests. This way, everybody wins--the other person won't feel attacked, you'll come across as rational, and the other person can't deny your feelings or opinions.

4. You've been handling crisis after crisis lately and wish there were more than 24 hours in a day. As a result, you've been:

a. burning the candle at both ends and skimping on sleep.

b. turning in when you feel reasonably caught up on your chores.

c. sticking with your usual bedtime, just like when you were a kid.

Instant insight "When people get stressed, they tend to let go of some of the good habits that keep their stress under control," says psychotherapist Jerilyn Ross, M.A., director of the Ross Center for Anxiety & Related Disorders in Washington, D.C. "It's important to practice good stress hygiene--by getting enough sleep, exercising, eating right, communicating well and attending to worrisome symptoms all the time."

5. At the end of a horrific day at work, you are most likely to:

a. snuggle up with Ben & Jerry's.

b. sweat it out at the gym until you're too tired to think.

c. veg out with an uplifting DVD.

Instant insight Watching a movie can be therapeutic because it "helps us transfer our emotional experiences to what's happening in the film," says Gary Solomon, Ph.D., M.P.H., M.S.W., a professor of abnormal psychology at the Community College of Southern Nevada in Las Vegas and author of Reel Therapy (Aslan Publishing, 2001). "It helps to see other characters in similar predicaments, feeling the way you've felt. This can validate your feelings and relieve tension."

6. Which of the following answers best describes your eating habits during an especially stressful day?

a. You've been grazing around the clock.

b. You've grabbed whatever was handy when you were hungry.

c. You've taken timeouts for regular meals and even a couple snacks.

Instant insight "The value of eating three meals plus snacks is that it keeps your metabolism running consistently, regulates your blood sugar so you don't have highs and lows, and gives you enough energy to keep going," says Kathleen Zelman, M.P.H., R.D., a nutrition consultant in Atlanta. The danger with grazing is that you might end up overeating. And if you skip meals, you can become so ravenous that you binge on the wrong foods to satiate your oversized hunger, Zelman says.

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If you answered mostly A's:

You're Putting Yourself Last Keep in mind that sacrificing your own care for everyone else's is going to drain your energy and take a toll on your physical and emotional health. Start making your own well-being a priority by doing one good thing for yourself every day. Once that becomes ingrained, practice saying no to requests you don't want to fulfill, speaking up for what you need and treating yourself with the TLC you deserve. Don't worry: You won't be viewed as selfish--just self-respectful.