What's your honesty policy? Do you sugarcoat the facts or tend to offend when you express yourself? Take this quiz to find out when, why and how to tell it like it is

Shape, May, 2005 by Alexa Joy Sherman

1 A friend asks what you thought of her behavior during a recent spat with her mom, and you don't think your friend fought fair. You:

a. Gush over the positives and avoid mentioning any negatives; you don't want to make her feel bad.

b. Give her your mixed review, reinforcing that this is only your opinion.

c. Critique, critique, critique! You hate it when people ask for your opinion, yet expect a watered-down version of the truth.

Instant insight "If a friend asks for your opinion, she's not expecting a discourse on her strengths and weaknesses," says Susan M. Campbell, Ph.D., a relationship coach based in Sebastopol, Calif., and author of Saying What's Real: 7 Keys to Authentic Communication and Relationship Success (HJ Kramer, 2005). She wants to know how you feel about the matter at hand, and you should make clear that it's simply your take on the situation. "You're just taking responsibility for what you know--and what your friend does with that is up to her. Talk about what you feel, think and notice," Campbell recommends.

2 You've been in the same job for five years without a promotion or a decent raise. When you get passed over again, you:

a. Push it to the back of your mind and decide you just need to try harder.

b. Schedule a time to talk to your boss about why you think a promotion is in order.

c. Tell your boss you're tired of being taken for granted and are considering leaving the company.

Instant insight Feeling like your hard work isn't appreciated can lead to all kinds of complicated emotions. "For some people, the difficult feeling is anger, and for other people, it's fear," Campbell says. If you want to keep your job, it's important that you not let these emotions cloud your judgment. Let your boss know what's on your mind, and make a solid case for why you deserve more than you've been given. "In addition, it's vital that you ask for feedback," notes Campbell. "People need an opportunity to let you know what they think about you. Asking for feedback allows them to express and get past their critical thoughts about you and be more on your side." However, if the feedback is all negative, it's probably time to start job hunting.

3 Your significant other has been working a lot of late nights, and you feel neglected. When he finally gets home, you:

a. Shower him with kindness. He'll be sure to squeeze you into his jam-packed schedule if you show him how low-maintenance you are.

b. Wait until he's had a few moments to settle in for the evening, then tell him that you've missed him and want to spend more time together.

c. Explode, pointing out that he obviously cares more about his career than about you and tell him to get his priorities straight.

Instant insight "Tell him your needs, then try to listen empathetically," suggests Santa Cruz, Calif.-based therapist Kelly Bryson M.A., M.F.T., author of Don't Be Nice, Be Real: Balancing Passion for Self With Compassion for Others (Elite Books, 2004). Also, don't be too invested in what your partner is able to give you. "It's important to realize that you care whether you get what you want, but that you'll survive if you don't get it," says Campbell. Instead of sitting at home waiting for your hubby, find something fun to do during the week--join a book club, take a cooking class, try Pilates or yoga.

4 A friend who is always late shows up 20 minutes after you've arranged to meet for dinner, claiming, "Traffic was a nightmare!" You:

a. Tell her not to worry about it, and try to move on.

b. Agree that traffic was bad, but note that you still made it on time and let her know that you aren't happy about her chronic lateness.

c. Say you're tired of dealing with her tardiness, and you won't be making plans with her anymore.

Instant insight "Blame is an indirect, ineffective request for empathy," says Bryson. Try to keep your comments focused on the present situation and simply express how you feel about what's happened. "It's not a good idea to tell someone how they ought to change, but that doesn't mean you can't tell them how you feel and what you want, and then listen to them," Campbell says. If things don't change, you can decide to stop putting yourself in situations with people who disappoint you, Bryson points out.

5 At lunch, your co-workers are discussing a subject you're clueless about. When asked for your input, you:

a. Reiterate some of the points they've already made to downplay your lack of knowledge.

b. Tell them you haven't really considered the matter.

c. Say the topic isn't something you'd ever waste your time thinking about.

Instant insight When you don't know something, the simplest and most productive way to communicate that is with three simple words: "I don't know." You might even learn a thing or two. "People tend to act like they know something in order to bolster their self-esteem," says Campbell. "But you need to be realistic: Nobody is an expert on everything, and there's nothing wrong with copping to that."