Bereavement in adult life

British Medical Journal, March 14, 1998 by Colin Murray Parkes

Anticipatory guidance

Members of health care teams can often prepare people for the losses that are to come. People need time to achieve a balance between avoidance and confrontation with painful realities, and we need to take this into account when we impart information that is likely to prove traumatic. One way is to divide the information that needs to be confronted into "bite sized chunks." Doctors do this when we break bad news a little at a time, telling a patient as much as we think he or she is able to take in. Patients seldom ask questions unless they ale ready for the answers, and they will usually ask precisely what they want to know and no more. It follows that we should invite questions and listen carefully to what is asked rather than assuming that we know what the patient is ready to know. By monitoring the input of information, a person can control the speed with which they process that information.

Although a little anxiety increases the rate and efficiency with which we process information, too much anxiety slows us down and impairs our ability to cope, our thought processes become disorganised and we "go to pieces." Anything that enables us to keep anxiety within tolerable limits will help us to cope better with the process of change. If we are breaking bad news (box) it helps to do so in pleasant, home-like surroundings and to invite the recipient to bring someone who can provide emotional support. A few minutes spent putting people at their ease and establishing a relationship of trust will not only make the whole experience less traumatic for them but it will increase their chance of taking in and making sense of the information which we then provide.

Supporting bereaved people

A visit from the general practitioner to the family home on the day after a death has occurred enables us to give emotional support and to answer any questions about the death and its causes that may be troubling the family. Newly bereaved people often feel and behave, for a while, like frightened and helpless children and will respond best to the kind of support that is normally given by a parent. A touch or a hug will often do more to facilitate grieving than any words.

During the next few weeks bereaved people need the support of those they can trust. We can often reassure them of the normality of grief, explain its symptoms, and show by our own behaviour and attitudes that it is permissible to express grief. If we feel moved to tears at such times there is no harm in showing it. Bereaved people may need reassurance that they are not going mad if they break down, that the frightening symptoms of anxiety and tension are not signs of mortal illness, and that they are not letting the side down if they withdraw, for a while, from their accustomed tasks.

As time passes people may also need permission to take a break from grieving. They cannot grieve all the time and may need permission to return to work or do other things that enable them to escape, even briefly, from grief. It is only if they get the balance between confrontation and avoidance wrong that difficulties are likely to ensue.