PHILIP VAN MUNCHING the devil's adman

Brandweek, June 21, 1999 by Bill Long

Thank you so much, Mrs. Clinton (or is it Ms. Rodham-Clinton?

Damn, did I blow this already?) for allowing me to apply for the position of Director of Advertising and Public Relations for your upcoming New York Senate run.

Some off-the-cuff, preliminary thoughts on campaign communications strategy:

* Nice job coopting the Yankees, especially the bit about rooting for them because, as a Chicagoan, it wasn't acceptable for you to root for both the National League Cubs and the American League White Sox. Keeps your Illinoian options open should the Big Apple not work out. You can now also lay claim to New York's Museum of Natural History (because Chicago's Art Institute doesn't have a big whale display), the song "New York, New York" (less uptempo than "My Kind of Town") and Original Ray's Famous Pizza (sort of the American League counterpart to deep dish.)

* Don't get tricked by New York's crafty news folk into using the word "carpetbagger." Should they ambush you, and ask, "Uh, Mrs. Clinton, what was that word for the Northerners who traveled south seeking unfair gain during Reconstruction?" look 'em straight in the eye, and say "Republicans." While we're on the subject (with apologies to Albert Brooks) I wouldn't risk using the words "carpet" or "bagger," either. Substitutions are as follows: Carpet can be either "rug" or "Wall-to-wall floor covering" and "bagger"--as in the minimum-wage schlub packing your groceries--should be "checkout clerk." (In honor of Mr. Gore's campaign, when in the checkout line, always choose paper over plastic. Other than that, try never to use the words "plastic" and "Gore" in the same sentence.)

* Do not use the Hamptons as the setting for any of your ads, for two reasons: First, the folks upstate, where you need the votes, are deeply suspicious of anyone who chooses to spend three hours driving an hour-and-a-half distance, twice, each weekend. Second, the City dwellers who make up 99.5% of the summer population of the Hamptons may well wake up to the fact that "Senator Clinton" means at least six years of even more Hampton traffic. Perhaps the Spielbergs and the Baldwins could jet their friends to a fundraiser in the Adirondacks. (Oh, and point out to Bill that Mount Marcy is the Adirondacks' highest peak, not the answer to "What will you do while I'm off campaigning, honey?")

* Some verbiage tips: Babaganoush is not the name of the cabdriver you just shook hands with the "k" in knish isn't silent, and, when speaking with those from boroughs other than Manhattan, substitute "youse" for "y'all" and "freakin"' for "darn."

* Call Dr. Evil, see about having Bill's mojo removed. Tell the Dr. that he'd better bring an empty supertanker, just to be safe. Oh, and don't dump on Giuliani's anti-strip-club initiative. In fact, support it. Do whatever it takes to make sure that Scores gets closed down before Bill starts making campaign trips for you.

* If he volunteers, use Sean "Puffy" Combs in your ads, but-- and this is very important--if he decides he doesn't like one of those ads, pull it from rotation immediately, and alert the Secret Service to beware posse members brandishing champagne bottles.

* Don't attack Mayor Giuliani head on. Rather, try to remind voters subliminally in your advertising of his perceived drawbacks. You might try talking about the great diversity of New York's cinema; how, on any given day, one might see current fare such as Tea with Mussolini or classic films like The Great Dictator. Perhaps note that, per game, Knick Latrell Sprewell puts up more shots than it takes to drop the average unarmed immigrant. Subtle stuff, like that.

* Actually, want to know the best way to deal with Giuliani? Three words: Bring the Cajun. If anyone can cause Rudy Giuliani to spontaneously combust, it'd be James Carville.

As requested, this application includes several references, thoughts on where to locate the official Harry Thomason New York Travel Office, some very good stock tips, and copies of my past billing records. Hold it... . where are my billing records? They were just here a minute ago...