Askcap'ndrew

Boat/US Magazine, May, 2003 by Drew Brown

Dear Cap'n Drew:

What do you think about homemade boats?

-- Manny from Oxford, MD

Dear Manny:

The same as I think about homemade Chinese food.

Dear Cap'n Drew:

My buddy and I are considering becoming partners on a boat. I have heard mixed reviews about doing this. Is this a wise thing to do? I can't afford a new boat by myself, but I don't want to jeopardize our friendship. Any suggestions?

-- Jeny in Marblehead, OH

Dear Jerry:

I ran this problem by my friend Dave the lawyer. Coincidentally, Dave practices both maritime and matrimonial law. He recommends that you each sign a prenuptial agreement prior to buying a boat together. It should clearly spell out an "exit strategy" for you should the two of you split up. If all else fails, you can always run a piece of tape down the middle of the boat like Bobby did to his room on The Brady Bunch.

Dear Cap'n Drew:

I have a friend who has a boat that is the same size as mine, but he always calls his boat a yacht. I think that he has delusions of grandeur, but he insists that he has "yacht status." At what point can a boat be called a yacht?

Ray in the Bronx, NY

Dear Ray:

If you have to ask, it's a boat.

Dear Cap'n Drew:

I have a windlass on my boat and my best friend (who incidentally docks right next to me) tells me that I am lazy for using it. Personally, I think that it is the best thing that I have ever used. He thinks that I should haul the anchor myself. Is it wrong to use mechanical devices such as these or should I "rough it?"

Lazy from Houston, TX

Dear Lazy:

Due to the complexity of your situation, I gathered my team of world-renowned psychologists. After an evening of sitting around and discussing your case while smoking Optimos (world-renowned psychologists are known for smoking very cheap cigars) it was decided that your friend has an extreme case of "windlass envy." This reminds me of when I was first married. Many of my friends called their wives or girlfriends "Pooky" or "Smooky," I nicknamed my wife "Windlass." I truly thought that this was very practical.

She hit me with a waffle iron.

Things you won't hear at the Boat Show

* "It's free."

* "This one here is known as the Yugo of boats."

* "Sure, hop on. Feel free to push all of the buttons."

* "Of course it's uncomfortable, Sir. ALL boat beds are uncomfortable."

* "Don't sign anything now. Why don't you go home and discuss it with your wife?"

* "Sir, after seeing you and your wife, I'd like to recommend the trim-tab option."

* "The truth is, they ALL break down constantly."

* "This little honey was named 'Boat of the Year' by the National Towing Association."

* "Sure it's ugly, but so was the Mayflower."