Happy birthday, Roscoe! Concepts on accessorizing your pet piece

American Handgunner, Sept-Oct, 2004 by John Connor

"So, Connor," says Roy, His Editorial Immenseness, "What's your favorite handgun accessory?" "Steve," I replied. He frowned and one eyebrow squiggled into a question mark. "Steve Barlow, my master gunsmith up in Salt Lake. He's my number-one most favoritest handgun accessory."

Maybe it was a bad day. He sighed, pushed some paper across the desk, then swiveled his chair around to gaze out the window. "Go, Connor," he muttered. "Write me something about handgun accessories, okay? The hardware kind." I grabbed the note and boogied. I've heard that sigh before. Bad day.

"Hakuna matata, boss-man," I says, "No worries. Pese-pese."

"Connor! In English, Connor!" rumbled down the hall after me. Yeah, bad day.

"San doute, jefe," I called back, "Most rikki-tik. Kwaheri!" That last "Connor!" was really loud. Quite unnecessary too, boss. It just happened to be Roscoe Number 7's birthday, anyway.

My guns have birthdays, and that's when they get deep-cleaned, smooched and feasted. And, of course, there are birthday gifts. My wife, the Memsaab Helena, snortles at this, and sends her guns in for "annual physicals." Whatever it is, get yourself a review and update system. It's good for your guns--and time for buyin' accessories!

I wasn't kiddin' with Roy. Your first, best "accessory" is a currently-certified Master Gunsmith. In this article, "GTG" means "Go To your Gunsmith;" "RRR" means "Remember the Role of your Roscoe" and "EMC" means "E-Mail Connor" for more info, okay?

The Rules

1. "Form follows function," folks. Unless your birthday-gun is a "target-match" gun, target and match accessories can be so wrong they're dangerous. Extended safeties and mag releases on a carry-piece can get you dead quick. Match barrels and bushings can be too tight for dirty work. RRR and GTG!

And on "form," Think Twice Before Cut Once! I've got guns I want to preserve in original form, but improve temporarily. Drop-in sights, pop-in mug well flares and mainspring housings, and other goodies will preserve the original value and reversal is easy. Non surgical alternatives are out there, troops. Find 'em. Otherwise, pay the price for quality work, so your structurally-altered piece is truly "custom," and not just "worked on."

2. Beware of "improved," "updated,'" "new model," and "extreme." Lots of times all these terms mean is new paint and trim. From lights to sights and all in between, find out if what's "new" is really skin-deep or goes to the bone. Call and ask questions. If they can't tell you what the performance, strength, and reliability gains are, they don't deserve your business.

3. Never assume diddly--though, you can assume squat. If your Roscoe stutters an' chokes, and your groups need a torque wrench, don't assume you just need new bolt-on goodies. The problem could be between your ears, or worse--inside your handgun. GTG!

Teknikle Stuff

The scoop on sights is: Dang, there's a bunch of 'em! You've got tritiums, fiber optics, electronic opticals, and even mutant combos in varieties like wildflowers. Choice of sights is very much a case of RRR, and often GTG as well.

Just remember this about the 'luminateds: In competition, you don't care about sight glow being visible downrange; not so in Socially Serious Shooting. Too, in the dark, the more powerful tritium sights can back-glow your face into a big greenish moon-pic. It attracts bullets.

Consistency breeds efficiency: If your Social Scattergun is equipped with a ghost ring, or your tactical carbine wears an optic with a chevron reticle, you can match them with your handgun sights. If you drop your long gun and whip up your sidearm, what can that save you? Fractions of a second? Your life?

Magazines, mayhem and madness: Many sources say 80-percent of all pistol malfunctions are magazine-induced and I believe it. The market is full of good tubes with crappy guts and great innards in crummy bodies. Your best bet is to stick with makers who are original equipment manufacturers, and offer strong, proven warranties. Remember, test-test-test before betting your life on new mags. I'm going to scientifically-smoosh a bunch of magazines, and get back to you. EMC

The G-2 on grips: Materials, texture, and dimensions depend on your hands, "snag factor" and tastes. Note, guys: Grips don't "'break in" like stiff boots. If they don't feel just right the first time you hold 'em, they won't get better. Return "em.

Tactical Lights & Lasers: These fall into my MTU category. That's "Mega-Teensy Utility." They're extremely important--in a very limited number of scenarios. Aside from hostage rescue ops, the one place you gotta have them is on your home defense dark-of-night guns. Identify friend-or-foe, and lase 'em fast. Practice!

The Lowdown on Leather is this: Take a cardboard box about 12x12x12, mark it "Reject Holsters," and then try not to fill it. Here's my process, learned the hard way:

First, don't look at what's available; that will only lead to impulse purchases, and filling the Reject Box. Sit down, think hard and write out all the features you need in a holster. Sketch it out, Michelangelo. Then check out the offerings. Only look at those models that clearly meet your needs and don't settle for "almost." The bucks you don't spend on three unsatisfactory production holsters can buy you a custom rig.