The wide world of whacky gun laws

American Handgunner, Sept-Oct, 2005 by John Connor

Until recent years I haven't had much in interest in gun laws, mostly because they didn't apply to me. The political kind, anyway. My personal gun laws went like: 1. Have guns. 2. Be good with 'era. I was either wearing a badge or otherwise employed in the field of shooting bad guys who had guns. Passing over invisible political lines with guns was no problem either. When the helo went "feet dry" over the surf line or across the river, you just loaded and locked an' got ready to rock.

I learned some interesting things about gun laws in other countries, like the many places south of the Ditch where civilians can legally cap crooks with .32s, .380s, .38 Specials, .40s and .44s--but punchin' a scumbag's scorecard with a 9mm or .45 ACP would get you thrown in prison because those are "military calibers."

In Africa, you can just about divide the continent into three kinds of places. In the first, the local authorities will shoot you dead on sight if you appear packin'. In the second, the local lunatics will shoot you dead on sight if you appear NOT packin'. In the third, both apply simultaneously. If you lose, the only difference is whether the guys rifling through your pockets are wearing rag-tag uniforms or not.

Politicians And Peasants

Everywhere I went, the one thing holding true was the wisdom of my favorite bumper sticker: "Politicians Prefer Unarmed Peasants." And everywhere the politicians had succeeded in achieving that to any degree, they learned the wisdom of Robert Heinlein's statement: "An armed society is a polite society." And an unarmed one isn't very. Polite, that is.

Europe's gun laws are loony, Asia's are largely nonexistent and unenforceable anyway and Britain and Australia? Theirs are just sadly, suicidally stupid. The only thing they have goin' for 'em is they' re pretty much the same from border to border, unlike our own homegrown flavor of foolishness. On one recent road trip, I did some legal research and found thanks to local gun laws, I could go from "Welcome Fella" to "Wanted Felon" six times in two hours without even slowing down, much less gettin' out of my truck.

The Lunacy

Since I got semi-civilianized, I've learned a little and picked up a few observations about different areas of the U.S. of A.--gunlaw-wise.

Our Nation's Capitol: In Washington D.C., the cradle of freedom, you are allowed to own plugged muzzleloaders, fake flintlocks and dismantled cap-and-ball revolvers if the caps and balls are stashed in other jurisdictions. You're also allowed to carry cash, credit cards and emergency medical information for the paramedics who'll pick up your post-robbery remains. These gun laws are for your safety, to protect you from "gun violence." How well have they worked? For the past two years, residents of D.C. stood a greater chance per capita of being shot than our GI's serving in Iraq.

Vermont: Breathe free, walk tall and be polite. The Freedom & Unity state has a radical approach to concealed carry laws. Namely, there ain't any. As a result, lots of people pack pistols, nobody knows who is or is not for sure, and Vermont enjoys the lowest rates of gun crime in America. Vermont is believed to possess 92.6-percent of the "common sense" in the Northeast U.S.

New York State: At some point in the dim and musty past, New Yorkers traded their Second Amendment rights for an assortment of spring flower festivals, tasteless public art and mediocre Finger Lakes wines. Now, should you have the temerity to want to touch a handgun, you are allowed to beg permission from a minor local bureaucrat. The "six month process" averages 12 to 18 months, and can be lengthened or aborted by asking where the heck your permit is. If denied a permit, you are allowed to ask why. The answers may range from "None of your business," to "You're ugly," or from some judges, "I don't think you need one." Instead of an appeal process, you have the right to emigrate to "The Free-Zone America" for now, anyway.

New Yorkers can take comfort in the thoughts that (a) their "rights" are protected by such stalwarts as Chuckie Schumer and Hilary Clinton, and (b) things are worse in Massachusetts.

Massachusetts: Some other states are all about limiting gun rights. Massachusetts prides itself on multiplying gun wrongs. Our best advice is to avoid it, but if you find yourself in Mass., just remember if you're attacked--even in your own home--you are required by law to retreat to the maximum extent possible. That "extent possible" will be calmly decided at a later date by somebody in a quiet walnut-paneled office. You do have the right to run, weep and bleed.

The South In General: Handguns are commonly found in glove compartments, tackle boxes and the chest pockets of bib overalls. The cleaning of long-barreled revolvers is an accepted early-evening front-porch activity. Great-Granddaddy's horse pistol hangs over the mantle--loaded. Git over it, Yankees.

The Republic of Texas: Texans tried that gun-control crap, an' that dog just wouldn't hunt. They spat in the dust and strapped on their hoglegs. Case closed.