Just do it: how men can live better, longer: maybe winning really isn't as important as just playing the game

Better Nutrition, May, 2003 by Joe Lewandowski

Hey man, check out these stats:

* one-third of men between the ages of 40 and 55 are overweight

* men under age 55 are twice as likely as women to have high cholesterol

* death rates for men between the ages of 15 and 65 are twice as high as for women

* 96 percent of those arrested for drunk driving are men

* men are four times more likely than women to commit suicide

* men die, on average, seven years younger than women

OK, so the numbers aren't anything to brag about. But they certainly send a clear message: We don't take very good care of ourselves, men. And it's killing us.

Certainly, we can recite the well-known litany of good health: Exercise more, eat more vegetables, sleep more, work fewer hours, blah, blah, blah. But to truly commit to self-care, experts say, a guy's got to do more than spend time in the gym and the produce aisle. We have to examine our emotional cores and seek to understand what brings us satisfaction, joy and contentment. That's a tough assignment, especially since most of us would rather spend more time scrambling up the corporate ladder than sitting in contemplative meditation.

keep in touch

"Men have lost touch with what makes them happy," says William Pollack, director of the Center for Men and Young Men at McLean Hospital, an affiliate of the Harvard Medical School and author of the best-selling book Real Boys: Rescuing Our Sons from the Myths of Boyhood. Pollack explains that when he asks men what they do to bring themselves contentment, they often reply with blank stares or self-deprecating laughs. "They say, `How can I do that?' And I say, `How can you not do it? If you can learn investment banking, you can learn what brings joy to your life. You can rediscover life.'"

It's no mystery why men don't engage in self-care. We're hardwired by society, genetics and testosterone to wage war in the career jungle, to achieve and to provide. But that path can be perilous, leaving little time for play, relaxation or family. Men are fierce about making next month's numbers, but they're pathetic when it comes to making time for themselves.

And forget about explaining to the boss that you're stressed and need a break. "It's never been safe for men to truly express themselves," says Ed Fell, a psychotherapist who practices in Pennsylvania and Colorado. "If they cry, they're called wimps or babies. And if they act in a forthright manner, they're called aggressive and macho. It's like walking a high wire. So men have turned vanilla. We don't know how to express our full range of emotions."

Without expression, emotions get stifled, sometimes turning into anger, rage and depression--and subsequently into high blood pressure, heart attacks and cancer.

"nice" guys

The pressure to achieve forces men to lose touch with themselves, says Robert Clover, a therapist whose book No More Mr. Nice Guy! has just been released nationally.

Glover contends that many men fell prey to the cultural revolution of the late 20th century. We were told to slow down and acknowledge our "feminine sides," but also to strive for success. We were told men were responsible for most of the world's problems, and we were heaped with guilt about how women are treated. These forces turned many men into "nice guys" who believe that to make amends, they have to take a back seat to everyone else.

Consequently, nice guys don't know how to take care of themselves, and that can put a significant strain on relationships. Glover's book doesn't bash women. Rather, it chastises men for ignoring their own needs. He recommends a serious spiritual search to rediscover sources of happiness--the ultimate exercise in self-care.

Write down what you like to do--hobbies, exercise, adventure, spiritual practice, entertainment. Then pick one activity to do every day. "Writing it down communicates at a very high level that `I'm important,'" Clover says. "It's the best way to raise self-esteem."

But if we're advised to search for contentment, we also have to be thoughtful about what self-care really means. Michael Gurian, a therapist and author of The Wonder of Boys: What Parents, Mentors and Educators Can Do to Shape Boys into Exceptional Men, has studied men's issues for more than 20 years. He worries that men, unwittingly, will adopt notions of self-care prescribed for women, simply because most of the literature on the topic is aimed at women.

notes on nurture

So we need to understand that it's okay--important in fact--to do things that seem typically male, and they should be done without apology so long as they don't detract from important responsibilities.

"We need to generalize toward masculinity, not away from it," Gurian says. "Men nurture themselves by taking more risks. Go sky diving. Buy those stereo speakers. Go camping."

And it's even okay to check out mentally for half an hour after getting home from a long day on the job. "Sometimes it's good not to think and to be quiet," Gurian says. "The male's silence is just as healthy as a woman's need to talk."

But the notion of self-care requires more than thinking about it. It requires a sincere commitment to change. Are you man enough for the task?