Good grief—dealing with ordinary people experiencing the extraordinary

Kevin O'Connor

The statistics are staggering. More than two million people in the United States die per year. (1) Hundreds of women miscarry per year. (2) Almost 50% of marriages end in divorce. (3) At some point, loss and the resulting grief will touch one or more of your professional colleagues. How you respond to the situation in the workplace can directly affect the healing process.

Regardless of who you are and what you do, at some level you are a leader. At a time of loss, others may watch how you respond because they are unsure of how to handle the situation themselves. Consequently, you can set the stage. Will you pretend the loss did not occur, or will you acknowledge it directly? What happens when death or loss touches a coworker can be up to you.

Leaders are not afraid to get to know the people they work with on both a professional and personal level. Doing so enables people to begin and continue their grief process more quickly after they experience a loss. The following guidelines, along with advice provided in Table 1, will help you take a leadership role in dealing with these situations.

BE PREPARED

People do not expect you to be an expert, but they do expect you to say the right thing at the right time with the right intention. You can do this by studying available information about death, disease, divorce, and depression to learn how others can be supported best in difficult times. Another way to learn the best approach is to talk to friends, family members, and neighbors well after their experience with loss. Ask them what it was like, what they wish coworkers had said, and how they would have liked their supervisors to respond. Even better, ask them to talk about those who responded well and really helped.

BE PRESENT

Your presence is important. In the case of death, attending the visitation or memorial service sends a clear message of support. Sending flowers or a card with a personal message is another way to show your concern. In the case of divorce, miscarriage, or other loss, it is important to acknowledge the event with a prompt telephone call, a handwritten note, an impromptu lunch invitation, or a warm hand on the shoulder.

Often, people who have suffered a loss or death of a loved one simply want to talk about that person with someone else. It is helpful to ask questions about the person, comment on the relationship in positive terms, and be affirming. Your questions and comments can be warm without being invasive. Make regular and genuine contact and act as a friend, not as a psychologist or even a professional nurse. Another way to help heal is to ask if there is anything you can do.

Remember that the most difficult time for someone who is grieving is not always immediately after the death or loss. Some of the most critical days occur at a later time. Often, coworkers unrealistically expect a grieving colleague to be "recovered" from the death or loss after he or she returns to work. Remembering the one-, six-, and 12-month anniversaries of the death or loss is an excellent way to help heal with your presence. By these times, the individual's visitors may have left, and he or she is expected to get back to "normal." Yet for those who are grieving, there often is no such thing.

One of the greatest needs when dealing with grief is being able to trust another person to hear about the pain and loss. Consequently, the ultimate gift is being available if and when your coworker needs to talk about his or her loss. Remember the people in your own life who you were able to talk to and who listened and tried to understand when you experienced a loss. Emulate what these individuals did. Listening is one of the best ways to give the gift of presence.

BE AUTHENTIC

Each of us has a special story regarding our own experiences with death and loss. Authentic people are greatly appreciated at times of loss, and we are most authentically ourselves when we appreciate how life is for us. What was it like when your friend died? Who was there for you? Chances are you do not remember every word a supportive person said, but you do recall that he or she was there, stayed a bit longer, held you when you cried, and shared the sorrow with you. Often, the best way to "say the right thing" is to simply be ourselves.

BE A GOOD LISTENER

Perk up your ears and listen to what is and is not being said. A critical error for many people is to assume that the less said is better. When tragedy strikes, it is common for no one to want to talk except the person who is grieving. Without others who are willing to gently talk and encourage, however, the grieving person may feel alienated or as if no one understands or even wants to understand. Imagine returning to work and having no one ask how you are doing in a manner, place, and time in which you really could talk. Asking "How are you doing?" as you pass in the hall is quite different from having coffee or lunch or taking a noonday walk to ask, "How are you? I've been thinking a lot about you and your family lately."

BE COGNIZANT

Often after a loss, a storm of inner turmoil and stress remains just below the surface. It is easy to assume that if a person appears in good health, he or she truly is fine. People often are taught to keep their feelings in check. It is a good rule to always assume that grief is highly personal and probably worse than the individual makes it appear on the surface. Never assume that death or loss is a neutral event. Even the death of a family pet can have a tremendous impact on a coworker.

BE UNDERSTANDING

Healing does not come quickly or occur in an entirely predictable fashion. Understanding the five stages of grief (ie, denial and isolation, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance) makes it easier to appreciate feelings the individual may be experiencing. (4) Remember that each individual moves through each stage at a different speed, and regression to earlier stages is not uncommon. (5) The grieving experience is unique to every individual.

Keep in mind that an individual's grief may become paralyzing or may affect his or her job performance negatively. If you believe your coworker's grief is impairing his or her ability to perform, it may be necessary to suggest or require professional assistance.

CONCLUSION

Many of us are familiar with death and loss on a personal and often professional level; however, we may not be as familiar or skilled with handling these issues when they enter the world of work, management, supervision, and leadership. It is important to listen, notice, and have the courage to talk about the death or loss with the coworker and others on your team. Regardless of your leadership position, doing this will allow the co-worker's healing process to begin.

Table 1

TIPS FOR DEALING WITH A COWORKER'S GRIEF

* Remember that you can help normalize the situation by how you react initially. Listening is healing.

* Attend the wake or memorial service. It is important to be present to acknowledge the situation and show respect.

* Provide tangible and intangible support. Alert members of the human resources department, stay in touch, and understand the individual's need for time off from work. Offer to cover the individual's call time or shifts.

* Take little for granted. Remember that pain, loss, suffering, and uncertainly are individual matters.

* Keep in mind that the person's loss is like all losses and like no other losses. Respect the differences we all have.

* Mark your calendar. The one-, six-, and 12-month anniversaries of a death, divorce, or other loss are highly stressful and significant. Be alert and present in case you are needed to listen again.

* Know that work will help the person's recovery. Do not be shy about giving responsibility and delegating, but know that the individual's work qualify might suffer for awhile.

NOTES

(1.) "Vital statistics" in Statistical Abstract of the United States (Washington, DC: US Census Bureau, 1999) 75.

(2.) Ibid; A Eisenberg, H E Murkoff, S E Hathaway, What to Expect When You're Expecting (New York: Workman Publishing, 1991) 111.

(3.) "Vital statistics," 75.

(4.) E Kubler-Ross, On Death and Dying (New York: Macmillan Publishing, 1969) 38-137.

(5.) Ibid.

RESOURCE

Glen, G; Kofler, M; O'Connor, K. A Handbook for Ministers of Care (Chicago: Liturgy Training Publications, 1987).

KEVIN O'CONNOR, MA, MA, MPS, CSP, is a professional speaker and consultant, author, and faculty member at Loyola University of Chicago.

COPYRIGHT 2002 Association of Operating Room Nurses, Inc.
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