A CEO for California, Inc.: finance likes the banker or the businessman. PR prefers some flash and glamour. No one asked human resources' advice

Workforce, Sept, 2003 by Carroll Lachnit

I WAS BORN, RAISED and will probably die here in the circus tent formerly known as the state I of California. But I am not responsible for the fact that we Californians have a robo-actor, a porn king, an Eva Gabor sound-alike and 132 other people on the ballot for governor next month. Nevertheless, out of a sense of civic duty, I'd like to present an alternative scenario. If government should be run like a business, let's start with how we'll fill the top job.

As of right now, we've chucked the whole democratic-process charade. We're doing what business does. We're hiring ourselves a governor--hereafter known as the CEO of California, Incorporated. Compensation will be tied to his or her ability to erase the massive debt load. And if the process works, we'll develop it as candidate-selection software (CalHire[TM] maybe), and sell it to other states. Minnesota should definitely give it a try.

California, Inc.'s selection committee has reviewed the candidates' Web sites and chosen people who are "uniquely qualified" for the job. The committee put the top six recommendations in this dossier, which was completed late, late last night. The finance people have stated their views. And since we're the Entertainment State, the PR chief (whose last job was with DreamWorks SKG) has demanded major input on the applicants:

Peter V. Ueberroth. Finance says: "Ran a profitable Olympic Games in Los Angeles in 1984. Ran Major League Baseball, instead of running it into the ground. Independently wealthy, so won't hold us up for a big salary. We like him." PR says: "Unbelievably shy and retiring and bland. If you want him, we have to work on a makeover. Would he go on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy?"

Bill Simon. Finance wanted him, but he got cold feet. PR sniffs: "See? A loser. Again."

Arianna Huffington. Finance loves her: "She knows how to work tax angles, obviously." PR is on board: "She hangs with Tina Brown. Has a great accent, and a guru. What's not to like?"

Gary Coleman. PR says: "Not our top pick, but he has a nice retro 'TV Land' vibe." Finance guys might be getting tired. Their note says: "What you talkin' about, Willis?"

Mary Carey. Finance likes the adult film actress: "She wants to tax breast implants. We'll make up the $38 billion shortfall and then some." PR finds her declasse: "Traci Lords has a better story arc, and a book that's selling pretty well. Can we get her instead?"

Arnold Schwarzenegger. Finance is nearly woozy with joy: "Self-made man, fiscal conservative, worth millions, got out of the property tax gaffe with Buffet. We love him." PR is also very positive: "Movie star. Married into the Kennedys. Eurotrash-fabulous accent. Beaucoup biceps. We're there!"

Finally, there's this note from the chief human resources officer (who insisted on being in on the meeting, though PR fought it--hard): "My staff will get to work on application forms, resumes, getting the Fair Credit Reporting Act forms signed, and completing the background checks and drug screenings. We'll handle the I-9s, too. When everything is done, I'll let you know what I've got." There are some other resumes in the files--presumably the HR chief added them. (They look pretty good: not pet)pie you'd think of right off the bat for California CEO, but interesting.)

PR quit, muttering about bureaucracy and interference with the branding process. Finance grumbled, but ran some numbers on the cost of risky hires and is now completely supportive. The chief human resources officer has been invited to talk to the board before it votes. I'll let you know what happens.