Birdies and Bogeys - facts and information about golf and golfers

Golf Digest, Dec, 1999 by Mike Stachura

Every year golf's seamy underbelly just gets better. Tiger Woods de- Fluffs himself, Jean Van de Velde loses but comes out a winner, and the Americans come up losers after winning. Here's what you missed while you were sitting in your corporate tents:

Chunkitintheburnjean.com didn't have as nice a ring to it

Jean Van de Velde starts his own Web site, where fans can look up past interviews, his future schedule and a selected list of recommended wines and golf balls.

The Web site is located at www.allezjean.com (as in "go for it jean".com).

What's that about wilting in the big moments?

Greg Norman's new superturf, GN-1, is chosen as the sod for the Super Bowl at Pro Player Stadium in Miami. It arrives brown and spotty and has to be saved with 100 gallons of paint and an overseeding of plain- old ryegrass.

A Strata? You can't handle a Strata!

Jack Nicholson accidentally hits his son's dog when it wanders into the path of his swing while he's hitting golf balls in his backyard. The dog survives after receiving 57 stitches.

The story also reveals that Langer is, in fact, German

In a USA Today story, Bernhard Langer reveals that Augusta National's greens are the toughest he faces all year because of their "speed, undulations and slope."

Prompting Duval to call the rankings "an exhibition"

David Duval wins nine times in 15 months and still fails to earn the No. 1 spot on the Official World Ranking.

The custom abacus is back-ordered

The PGA Tour later announces that new ranking procedures will take effect in 2001.

That's what Ollie thought about his line getting trampled

The key to the U.S. victory at the Ryder Cup may have been an inspirational team meeting. Said Tiger Woods of the meeting Saturday night at the Ryder Cup, "We all played a part in it. All the players, the wives, the girlfriends, assistant captains."

Needless to say, Kmart immediately revokes his endorsement contract

Remarks attributed to Earl Woods in Icon magazine:

"Scotland? That's for white people. It sucks, as far as I'm concerned. People had better be happy that the Scots lived there instead of soul brothers-golf would have never been invented. We wouldn't have been stupid enough to go out in that weather and play a silly-ass game and freeze to death."

Rules Decisions, by Tiger Woods

23-1/3 Assistance in Removing Large Loose Impediments

Q. May spectators, caddies, fellow competitors, etc., assist a player in removing a large loose impediment?

A. Yes, provided the player is me.

Etiquette? Just wait for the Ryder Cup

Days after Arnold Palmer scolds the top players on etiquette, Davis Love III whacks a sprinkler head at Bay Hill, causing a small flood.

Negotiating his buyout? Arliss

Hughes Norton, fired as Tiger Woods' agent late in 1998, then reportedly seeks a $13 million severance package from his employer, IMG.

Funny, they didn't ask about you

Colin Montgomerie, informed that several top American players won't be coming over to play in the British Open, responds in jest, "Have Tiger Woods or David Duval pulled out? No? Damn!"

Next on 'Springer': Caddies and their groupies

In March, Tiger Woods fires veteran caddie Mike (Fluff) Cowan. A reported problem was Fluff's 22-year-old fiancee, who Woods believes was attracted only to Cowan's -and Tiger's- fame and fortune.

She now becomes the top pick as U.S. Ryder Cup captain

LPGA veteran Pat Bradley is fined after grabbing a rival's caddie by the collar, accusing him of repeatedly coughing during her backswing.

The poster boy for next year? Elvis

Billboards, programs and pairing sheets for the Tucson Open feature cover pictures of defending champ David Duval, who was playing in the WGC Match Play Championship instead.

Much like the Salt Lake City Olympics

PGA of America president Will Mann pronounces the '99 Ryder Cup, which generated some $63 million in revenues and sold 59 corporate tents and 300 corporate tables, as "devoid of commercialism."

Meanwhile, a PGA of America official gets an idea

An outing for the House Builders Federation at the Marriott St. Pierre Hotel and Country Club near Chepstow, Wales, went awry when a group of anti-development protesters positioned itself and a large tent in the middle of the 18th fairway.

Pierce Brosnan's standing invitation has been revoked

Sean Connery is hit by a ball while playing a round in California. He finished playing despite a limp. "Let me know when you play the course again, so I can stay off it," he jokes to the offending golfer later in the clubhouse.

Right where Scottie Pippen was seated

At the Bob Hope Chrysler Classic, Charles Barkley hits a wedge shot at the 18th hole over the green, over a grandstand and onto the practice green.

Plus, that clever silk-screen idea was taken already

Jane James, wife of captain Mark, said the Euro wives won't wear matching outfits. "I'm 5-10 and Laurae Westwood is 5-foot-nothing, and it's impossible to get something that looks good on both of us."

And in a related development, beer will be free

Organizers for the 2001 Ryder Cup stated tickets will cost $500, twice what they cost in 1999.