Zeke's tips on the basics - Brief Article

Golf Digest, August, 2000 by Dan Jenkins

Hey, folks, a chainsaw solves the problem of how to open a sleeve of balls

Hey, golf lovers, how's it going out there in Low and Thin country? Same as it is out there in Fat and Dribble country, I imagine.

First thing I want to talk to you about tonight is how to take the club out of the bag. Can I get the camera to move in here close on my hands? There you go, pard.

Now then, what you don't want to do, folks, you don't want to just reach in the bag and grab a club. You might grab the wrong one, see what I'm sayin'? You might want a 6-iron but you've pulled out a 2-iron, and you don't need that 2-iron for a 6-iron shot, do you? No way.

What you do then, you look at all the clubs in your bag before you go after the one you want. Let's say, for example, you need a 9-iron. Well, here's the old 9 right here. It's right in here next to the 8 . . . and I don't know what the heck my 7-wood's doing over here. It's supposed to be up here. Hold it a second.

Hey, pard, you with the camera! Somebody been jackin' around with my bag? Right. Nobody knows anything. Same old story.

Well, anyway, folks, you wrap your hand around the clubhead of the 9-iron like this, and you lift it up, and you pull it out gently-all the way out. You look at it, see it's the 9-and this is the proper way to take the club you want out of your bag. You can't put too much emphasis on the basics, is what I've learned.

Another example of the basics: You just can't play this game without a golf ball. It can only be done if you want to play strictly in your mind, but I frankly don't think most of us are that smart, particularly when it comes to the arithmetic part. So, talking about the golf ball, it brings up something people often ask me. They say, "Zeke, what's the best way to get the new balls out of the sleeve?"

This is a problem many of you encounter, and I totally understand it, packaging being what it is today. We all know how the Federal gubmint tries to keep everybody from getting poisoned by maniacs who like to tamper with stuff in the Stop & Shop and elsewhere.

Here's a common deal: Man buys hisself three new balls at Esther's Low Rent Golf, for example, and goes out to play a round, but what happens? He can't get the balls out of the sleeve. Well, folks, it's nowhere near as hard as trying to unwrap a baloney and cheese sandwich or open a bag of Fritos-two things where you find your-self in need of a cordless saw, or a jumbo Swiss Army knife.

Your big strong man, see, he's apt to try to rip the box in half. You know, let out a growl and yank it apart, kind of like this. What can happen, though, the balls can come flying out and bounce around on the concrete, and maybe you lose one in a bush or a storm drain.

And then your smaller guys, I've seen them try to bite the sleeve open with their teeth. Drop a bicuspid on the cellophane. But that's a good way to lose a bicuspid, is what I say.

Patience is what you need, of course.

Throw me a sleeve of balls over there, pard.

Naw, not you. The dopehead hippie standing there with you.

Thank you, son. Sorry to interrupt your nap.

Now, folks, here's a brand-new sleeve of balls, and if you'll just take the time to examine it carefully, you'll find a little tab at both ends. All you do, you open up one end and shake the package and the balls slide right out. No reason to panic.

Another thing people say to me is, "Zeke, how many tees should I carry in my pocket?"

This is another interesting question. What I say to do is, decide how many holes you plan to play before you make the decision. If it's 18, I say take 18 tees. You're not always gonna find spares on the ground. Some people are hogs.

I generally put six in my left-hand pocket with my Rolex, six in my right-hand pocket with my money clip and car keys, and six in my right hip-pocket with my comb and the electric bill I forgot to mail.

The thing is, if you put all 18 tees in your right-hand pocket with your money clip and car keys, it's gonna make a big old bulge, and you'll look like you got a growth of some kind. Another thing is, when you reach in there for a tee your hand can get tangled up with your money clip and car keys, and maybe when you finally take the tee out, you'll accidentally pull out your car keys without knowing it, and you can't get home because your car keys are back there on No. 14.

There's lots to think about in this old game, and I'll be providing you with more valuable tips on "Guru Live." Hit 'em straight till next week.