When leadership gets lonely, find a friend

Leadership, May, 2001 by George Manthey

SOMETIMES, JUST PASSING A NAPKIN IS ALL THE SUPPORT A PERSON NEEDS.

I have a precise metaphor for support. A second grader shared it with me. One day at lunch I was helping the students open their catsup packages so they could spread the "vegetable" on their hamburgers. One packet was more difficult to open and evidently I squeezed the packet while tearing the top. You can imagine the result -- catsup covered my face and shirt. Everyone began to laugh, including me. However, one sweetheart appraised the situation, walked over to me, and handed me a napkin. It was exactly what I needed, and I didn't ask for it. That's support.

Roger is a friend of mine. We are nearly opposites. He can come to an angry boil faster than nearly anyone I've met. On the other hand, I remained calm during the Loma Prieta earthquake at my school -- 11 miles from the epicenter -- and even discouraged nearby residents, whose homes had been destroyed, from opening the emergency supplies because they might be needed in a real emergency.

One day I asked Roger what stirred his anger the most. "Incompetence!" was his immediate reply. Roger was an engineer for a major manufacturing company and felt he knew the best way to do most anything. When others, especially others in authority, didn't agree with him, he exploded -- at least internally. However, his wide gestures, bright red face and quickened vocal pace were giveaways to his true emotion.

This is in contrast to my angriest moments, which occur when I have no idea what should be done. Roger turned to a job he could do alone to remain calm. I have always tried to surround myself with people smarter than I. Hence, finding ways to be supported has been a crucial part of my being a school administrator. This makes me a natural to write about supporting administrators -- not from the giving end, but from the receiving one.

When I first became an administrator I found myself welcomed into a small band of folks who were also elementary school principals in my district. We worked to support each other in ways that I thought were common in every district. We met for lunch before each of the weekly administrative staff meetings. One week each month the district office administrators stayed away from our meeting so we could discuss the issues that were purely our own. Every third month we would devote this time to working with a licensed counselor on the topic of stress reduction. This small group of principals became a support network for me that I assumed was common for principals.

None of us work in that district any longer, but each June, after school is out, we gather on the deck of the Crows' Nest in Santa Cruz and spend a long afternoon and a short evening sharing tales of the year and drinking a little too much Chardonnay. No one has to mention "support;" it appears as surely as the sailboats in the small harbor set out for the bay.

Facilitating a group at an ACSA institute, I was shocked to hear a vice principal share that in this administrator's district it was not appropriate to ask a question of a colleague. To do so would brand one as being weak and not ready for the principalship. I would never make it in this district. Roger would, but he'd be very lonely.

Leaders without followers are never effective. However, there is something inherently lonely about any position of leadership. If, like me, you are in need of support, the best place to turn is to colleagues. That's the main reason ACSA has been so important to me. Within ifs membership are those who have supported me more than they've known. A compliment, a timely word of advice, a thank you, a wake up call -- given when needed, though not expected -- have been the support I've appreciated most.

Allessandria, Ron, Sue, Maury, Cleo, Steve, Paige, Joan, Carol, Jim, Jane, Laura, Jan, Billie Jean, Kathy, Henry, Marge, Carolyn and so many others -- thank you so much for the napkins. Keep passing them.

George Manthey is a professional development executive for ACSA.