Viral Marketing - Humor

Industry Standard, The, March 5, 2001 by Robert Levine

From: Joe Handler, Handler & Schmooze Public Relations, Hollywood, Calif.

To: alt.hack.culture

Subject: Employment opportunities

Dear Hackers,

As you're well aware, weeks ago a Dutch hacker released the Anna Kournikova virus because, as he wrote, "I am a big fan of her. She deserves some attention, doesn't she?"

Let's face it: You can't buy that kind of publicity.

On the other hand: Why shouldn't you be able to? The word is that "viral marketing" is the hot new thing. And we at Handler & Schmooze are always all over the hot new thing!

What we're trying to say is this: Get your thinking caps on! There's money to be made! Several of our clients deserve the attention, too. Some have already called demanding their own viruses. So get cracking!

To make your jobs easier, below is a list of examples -- just a place to start your thinking. One change, though: To maintain celebrity brand identity, future viruses are going to have to be more distinctive; tying up e-mail appended "I Love You" and baiting people with sexy pictures won't fly in the PR business.

We'd like to hear how doable these ideas are. Unfortunately, our e-mail is still down, so reach us by messengering muffins to the office on Beverly.

Ciao geniuses!

Joe Handler

Donald Trump Virus

What It Promises: To balance your spreadsheet.

What It Does: Changes all your file directory names so they begin with "The Trump."

Metallica Virus

What It Promises: To give somewhat-catchy, shrieking expression to your anger at "the man."

What It Does: Causes Napster to crash.

Bill Gates Virus

What It Promises: Impressive list of features, nine months before they're ready.

What It Does: Nothing. Just don't try to use any of your software without it.

Shawn Fanning Virus

What It Promises: Intellectual property will be free.

What It Does: Makes your intellectual property free -- to everyone else.

Bill Clinton Virus

What It Promises: For the right amount of money, anything.

What It Does: Frees dangerous viruses without consulting system software.

Rage Against the Machine Virus

What It Promises: To spread processing time among all your programs, each according to its needs.

What It Does: Introduces fractious Marxist politics to previously compatible systems.

Keanu Reeves Virus

What It Promises: That at some point during your lonely and otherwise unremarkable life as a programmer, your computer will start talking to you, beautiful women in pleather will walk up to you in nightclubs and strange men in suits -- suits! -- will chase you around your place of employment. And at some point after that, things will start to get really uncomfortably weird.

What It Does: Injects the word "whoa" into Microsoft Word documents every few paragraphs.

Lenny Kravitz Virus

What It Promises: To fry your circuit board, baby!

What It Does: Makes your computer run sensuously slow, like it was built in the '70s.

George W. Bush Virus

What It Promises: Continued functionality, but with no choice in the matter.

What It Does: Unclear; it relates to vooce rekcognishun soft wear.

Steve Jobs Virus

What It Promises: To revolutionize computing.

What It Does: Turns your PC a lovely, translucent blue.

Robert Levine is a writer in New York.