Dear Carol - Letter to the Editor

Girls' Life, August-Sept, 2003 by Carol Weston

Dear Carol, I like a boy at the pool. I try to talk to him often. Sometimes, I say "hi" first; sometimes, he does. But we just say "hi" back and then, "Whassup?" "Not much." "You?" "Same." The conversation pretty much ends there. It's terrible. I never know what else to say. How can I keep us talking longer?

Can't Talk to Guys

Dear Can't Talk to Guys,

You could always give a compliment ("Blue is a great color on you") or mention the weather ("It's so windy today") or comment on what's in front of you ("The water is freezing"). Or ask questions: "What school do you go to?" or "Have you gone anywhere this summer?" or "Seen any good movies lately?'' Remember your crush is nervous too, so he ought to appreciate your attempts to break the ice. If he remains unable to keep up his end and it continues to be awkward, then (sigh) what's between you isn't chemistry--it's history. So practice your conversational skills on other guys!

Dear Carol,

I have a friend who is 16 and pregnant. The father is a couple years older than she is. She hasn't told her parents because they don't care about her. She has no clue what she's going to do when the baby comes. I don't think she'll be a good parent because she does drugs sometimes and hasn't been raised in a good environment. I would talk to a teacher about it, but my friend will probably lash out at me if I try to help. I need advice soon!

My Friend Is In Trouble

Dear Friend In Trouble, What a sad situation. Raising a child is an important and difficult job. In 10 or 20 years, perhaps your friend could be a wonderful mom. Now, though, she's a kid. What to do? Encourage her to call Planned Parenthood (1-800-230-PLAN) to discuss her options. The call is free and won't show up on any phone bill. The Web site address is www.plannedparent hood.org. No matter what happens with her pregnancy, your friend must stop doing drugs. She also needs to talk to her parents. Perhaps you can offer to be with her as she talks to her mom, a teacher, school nurse or another trusted adult. Tell her, "I know you don't want to talk about this, but I care about you and I am going to help you." Hang in there.

Dear Carol, My grandmother and I were really close, but she died a year ago. Shouldn't I be over her by now?

Still Sad

Dear Still Sad,

When someone you love dies, you never completely get over that person. You accept the death, but you don't forget the love you had. The memories you have are safe within you. Revisiting memories can be painful at first but, in time, you should be able to recall the past with smiles instead of just sorrow. I'm sure your grandmother cherished your relationship too. Talk to your parents about your grandmother. They might welcome the opportunity to reminisce about her and to share their feelings. Your parents also probably find comfort knowing your grandmother lives on in you.

Dear Carol

My best friend and I go to the same camp, and I like a guy who acts more interested in my BFF. She knows I like him, but she doesn't seem to care about my feelings. How do I know when my friend has crossed the line?

Confused at Camp

Dear Confused at Camp,

A girl should never hit on her best friend's boyfriend or go for a BFF's ex right after a breakup. But when it comes to crushes, the lines are less clear. Are you truly upset with your friend--or are you upset with him for not noticing you or maybe even with yourself for feeling jealous? Think about it--would it really make sense for your friend to ignore a guy she seems to be clicking with just because you like him, too? Even if she were to completely shun him, it won't ensure that you and he will ever get together. My advice is to reach out to other campers. Meanwhile, you could admit to your friend that you're envious but that you wish her luck. Camp will end-don't let the friendship.

Dear Carol,

Everyone thinks of my parents as the Perfect Couple. They rarely fight. But I recently was at my Grandpa's when he casually mentioned that both my parents had been married before. We talked about it a few minutes, and then I went home. I am officially tweaked! I can't believe they never told me, and 1 am horrified by the ugly truth. How can I get my parents to tell me about it without ratting on my grandfather?

Shocked

Dear Shocked,

Wow! I don't blame you for being freaked out. You're not alone--I've gotten similar letters over the years. Unfortunately, your parents weren't t up front with you, so you need to be straight with them. Say, "Grandpa let it slip that you two had previous marriages. Don't get angry with him, but please tell me the truth." Then, listen. The truth doesn't have to be "ugly." If you want your parents to level with you, be understanding rather than judgmental. No doubt about it, this is mind-boggling. But hang on to your perspective because what hasn't changed is this: Your parents love each other and love you. As for your parents being a Perfect Couple, there's no such thing. But perhaps they are and will always be a Great Couple.

Dear Carol,