Dear Carol

Girls' Life, April-May, 2003 by Carol Weston

Dear Carol

I can never remember where I leave things, especially my wallet, which holds my student ID and a credit card. My parents will kill me if lose those, but I always spend a lot of time looking for my wallet--and other stuff too. hate it.

No Memory

Dear No Memory

It's not that you don't have a memory--you don't have a system. Decide once and for all that your wallet will always go in your top drawer (or in your backpack or on the shelf in your closet). Then put it there each and every day so you won't have to look for it ever again. Do the same with keys, glasses or anything else you tend to misplace. If you put specific things in specific places, you'll save time and anxiety. It's a good habit to develop now--so you won't become yet another adult fumbling around each morning saying, "Now, where did put my keys....?"

Dear Carol

I was wondering how to tell the difference between liking someone as a friend and like-liking him. Also, how do you know if it is love or not?

Wondering

Dear Wondering

If you like someone as a friend, you usually respect him and enjoy his company. Likewise if you like-like someone. But you also tend to think about him a lot, even when he's not around, and you care whether he's thinking about you. You might get a funny feeling--butterflies. And you might feel self-conscious about how you look and what you say when he's around. As for "love," this is an overused, highly charged word for a feeling that grows over time between two people in a serious, committed, long-lasting, mutual relationship. Sometimes, when one person says, "I love you," too soon, the other person feels pressured because it makes a light romance suddenly seem heavy. Also, if two people declare love on Tuesday and break up on Friday, they both feel worse about the whole thing. So...enjoy friendship, appreciate guys, but try to step gingerly into love instead of falling in head over heels!

Dear Carol

My dad says he loves me but, before I know it, he's yelling at me.

Loved and Scolded

Dear Loved

Lots of parents yell, and it stinks for the kids. What to do? First off, if your dad's in sour mood, give him space. Don't ask for a bigger allowance or later curfew--make those requests another day. Second, if he's ranting about your messy room, for instance, say, "OK, I'll clean it up," rather than, "You should see Stephanie's room!" Third, pay attention to what sets him off and avoid doing those things (leaving dirty dishes on the table or wet towels on the floor). Fourth, understand that some parents yell at kids because they cannot yell at their bosses or neighbors. This is not admirable, but it can help you realize his yelling might be more about his own frustration. Finally, at a calm time, talk to your dad about these hurtful flare-ups. Some parents don't change but, with effort, some do. Did your grandfather yell at your dad? If so, maybe your dad could break the pattern.

Dear Carol

My best friend is really popular and has cool friends. They say to be friends with them, I have to do a special popularity test. They also say I have to dump all my other friends. What should I do?

Unsure

Dear Unsure, What's cool about telling people whom they can or cannot hang out with? Your other friends mean a lot to you, right? Why even consider dumping them? Be nice to the popular kids, but don't dismiss the friends who've always been there for you and who appreciate you.

Dear Carol

My best friend dumped me because of her ex. I told her he and I had kissed. I also said I was sorry--four times. I mean, I didn't even like the kiss. It was actually a friendly kiss, but it was on the lips. Anyway, I'm moving two hours away, and I don't want to leave with our friendship a mess. I miss talking to her and telling her stuff.

Sorry

Dear Sorry

The worst-case scenario is that this friendship is over--and you'll be fine. You'll go to a new school, make new friends and be more careful about whom you kiss. That said, you can always say or e-mail one more time, "I miss you and would love to get together before I move. Please, give me another chance."

Dear Carol

I really like this guy. He knows like him because my friends asked him out for me. I had gotten the drift that he does not like me back, but my friends kept bugging him. Finally, at a dance, he danced with me and told me I'm his "good friend." I don't want to ruin that, but I have a craving to ask him out. My mom says I should play hard-to-get. But my friend and I hatched an idea to make him jealous by asking about other boys I'd look good with.

Hard 2 Get Girl

Dear Hard 2 Get,

You have a craving to ask him out? I sometimes have a craving to eat a whole tray of oven-warm cookies. While it's fine to recognize cravings, it's usually smart not to give in to them. This guy knows you like him, and he has made it clear that he just wants to be friends. Keep getting to know him, and your relationship might someday evolve--or it might not. But don't push it or play games. If you ask him about other guys, you might confuse him or seem shallow.