Have it your way - Life - negotiating skills

Girls' Life, April-May, 2003 by Sandy Fertman Ryan

Seems like you and your parents were destined to disagree? Not so if you learn a few simple tricks of the negotiating trade.

What? Can't go out on school nights? Not allowed to wear cropped tops? No Twinkies for breakfast?! All your life, your parents have had complete control over what you could and could not do. Good thing, since you needed them to protect you.

Still do but, now that you're older, you re itching to make some decisions of your own. Except every time you try to challenge a rule, it turns into a battle. Instead of fighting over freedom clashes, learn to maturely negotiate for more privileges. You'll get your way (some of the time) and gain the utmost respect.

WRITE WHAT'S WRONG Say you and your friends want to get together on Wednesday nights for American Idol fests. Problem: Your school-night curfew is way early. So get out a piece of paper, and write "Weeknight Curfew" at the top, and leave space underneath for two paragraphs, titled "My Thinkin'" and "Their Thinkin'."

Under "My Thinkin'," write in a clear, unemotional manner why you feel you should be allowed the privilege. You might write, "I love American Idol, and I'm dying to watch it with my buds. I'll do my homework first, and I won't ask for a later curfew on other weeknights."

Now, try to get inside your parents' heads and fill in the space titled "Their Thinkin"' from their point of view. Do you really think the 'rents don't want you to watch AI with your buds because they love to see you unhappy? No way. Could be they're just concerned for you. Maybe you'll write something along the lines of, "You need your sleep for school. We don't want you to get in the habit of staying up late to watch TV."

TIT FOR TAT Underneath that paragraph, write a new heading, called "Compromises." Brainstorm some solutions in which you or your parents might be willing to meet halfway. Perhaps you could agree to go to bed an hour earlier the following night. Or maybe they'll let you go every other Wednesday rather than each week. List these options and any others you can come up with.

TALK THE TALK Read and re-read everything you've written--especially the compromises. In fact, read it aloud, just to get used to saying some of this stuff without snickering or getting sarcastic. Once you are comfortable with your feelings, their viewpoint and what you can offer up as a compromise, it's time for... The Discussion.

When your parents are relaxed, maybe after dinner or on a Saturday morning, tell them you want to speak with them about something important to you. Whatever you do, don't hit 'em up when they're stressed, like right after work or while they're paying bills. Bad move--you can say adios to Al nights.

TO THE POINT They're listening? Sell, sell, sell! Breathe deep, stay chill and tell them, "I really understand that you don't want me to be out late on school nights, but here is what I'd like to suggest...." By immediately telling them you understand their feelings, it shows you've really thought it out and are ready to act rationally--without the usual ranting and raving. Now, explain your position, why it's important to you and the potential compromises.

ALL EARS Your turn to listen. Warning: Do not interrupt or get angry. If they nix your request, ask them calmly if there's anything you can do to change their minds. They won't budge? Don't throw a hissy fit. Tell them you're disappointed but that you appreciate their time.

If they accept your compromise, thank them profusely and hold fast to your end of the bargain to finish homework early and not ask for other weeknight curfew stretches.

Whatever the result, your parents will totally notice--shock!--your mature approach. Even if they're standing firm over losing shut-eye for AI, you've improved your shot at getting your way next week when you want to break the no-mascara rule for the spring dance!