Decar Caral - answers questions on relationships and family

Girls' Life, Feb-March, 2003 by Carol Weston

Dear Carol

Lately, my mom seems so busy and preoccupied. This might sound dorky, but I miss hanging out with her. Should I tell her?

Miss My Mom

Dear Miss

Why not? The key is to find moments when she might welcome a little company. If she's racing to a meeting or talking on the phone, you might not get her full attention, but that's not because she doesn't want to hear about the party or your history grade. When she's folding laundry or driving you home are probably better times to give her the long version of what's going on in your life. Picking the right time (and tone) makes all the difference. While you're at it, make plans to spend special time together--even if it's just grabbing a bite out or taking a walk around the block. Then maybe use those times to ask about what's keeping her so busy.

Dear Carol,

I just found out that before my mom married my dad, she was dating some other guy. It turns out my mom was already pregnant with me before she met my dad, and he has always known about it. What should I do to keep this from bothering me?

Shocked

Dear Shocked

Wow. I don't blame you for being shocked. On the other hand, it's good your parents have been honest with each other and are finally being honest with you. The man you call "Dad" is your dad. He's been your dad from day one, and your relationship does not need to change. But it's OK to ask questions. Your curiosity and confusion are completely natural. Since your parents have shared the truth with you, talk openly about your feelings. In fact, you should have many conversations about this, not just one, because it's tricky to get used to the fact that something you took for granted is not what it seemed. Remember, though, that the bond you have with your dad, the man who has always been in your life, is as strong and real as it ever was.

Dear Carol,

I have a boyfriend, but he lives in a different state. I talk about him a lot at school, arid my friends are getting annoyed with me about it. I'm too nervous to call him, and he's never online. We have been going out for three months, but I haven't seen him for two months. I'm kind of sad all the time. Do you have any suggestions about how I could get happy again?

Unhappy

Dear Unhappy, It's better not to have a Valentine at all than to have one who's not there for you. Some long-distance connections survive through e-mails, calls and letters. But if you and this boy hardly communicate, what's the point? You can find the courage to write or call, or you can decide this. pain isn't worth it and that it's time to step away. When you're under a boy's spell, it's not always easy to break. But it is doable. Be independent, talk to your buds about other topics, get more involved in the here-and-now, and you'll soon be your cheerful self. Besides, there will be other BFs in your future, I promise. Even ones in your own state!

Dear Carol,

I danced with my crush at a school dance. My crush's best friend has a crush on me, and he saw us dancing. Now their friendship is ruined, and I feel like it's my fault. My crush won't talk to me until his friendship is fixed, which might take a while.

Double Dilemma

Dear Double Dilemma,

You did not ruin their friendship. You danced with your crush. That is perfectly OK. It's nice that your crush cares about his friend's feelings, but your crush didn't do anything wrong either. It might feel awkward at first but, when you see your crush's friend, act relaxed and friendly-- not flirty, but not guilty or apologetic either. Meanwhile, there's no reason you and your crush can't get to know each other better. Now, I have a question for you: Do you know any girl who has a crush on your crush's friend? Maybe you can encourage her to say "hi" to him.

Dear Carol,

I dumped my BF, but we're secretly back together. I don't really like him, though. I just feel sorry for him and don't want to hurt his feelings.

Too Shy to Tell Him

Dear Too Shy,

It's good to be considerate of a guy's feelings, not good to date someone out of pity. Tell him you're sorry if you've seemed a bit flaky lately but that you really feel you two are much better as friends. Be nice, but be clear. It's important to overcome your shyness so you can be up front with him.

Dear Carol,

I don't know how to say this, so I'll just say it. My best friend is not nearly as developed as I am. Sometimes I feel self-conscious about it because I wear a bra. But, more than that, I'm worried that she feels bad about herself because she doesn't need one.

Concerned

Dear Concerned,

Everyone eventually hits puberty, but some girls get there long before others. Friends don't have to be on the exact same timetable or end up the same size! They just have to like each other. If your friend expresses concern about her slow-to-develop ways, talk together about your body-morphing anxieties. You'll probably realize you have more in common than you thought. But if your friend doesn't seem concerned with her bralessness, why should you be? Let it go. Before you know it, these changes will be behind you--and years of friendship will still be ahead.