Cling-on mom - Life - teens ask for advice

Girls' Life, Feb-March, 2003 by Laura Sandler

I have a big prob with my mom. She's always at my school and won't go away! In chorus, she "helps out." Usually, she just sits and stares at me. That is not cool for a girl my age. I have tried to talk to her about it, but she just gets mad.

Moms never seem to get hints like, "You can just drop me off a block or two away," or, "You don't need to come to every single practice." They mean well, but it's understandable you don't want your mom around all the time. Since you've tried talking to her, write her a note. Explain that while you love her and enjoy spending time with her, you also need some time just with your classmates. Maybe you can work out a compromise in which she volunteers at your school only one day a week or for classes in another grade. One more thing--your mom's probably not mad; more likely she's hurt. So, suggest a certain day of the week you two can regularly spend together to see a movie, shop or go out for hot chocolate. This way, she'll get that you do like hanging with her but that you also want her to respect some boundaries in the school setting--that's your scene.

My friend and I are in a huge fight. She was ignoring me, so I ignored her. She tried to give me a note, but I refused it. Now she's sending me mean e-mials, saying we shouldn't be friends anymore. I want to be friends again, but I am so mad at her.

Fighting with a friend feels awful, but bud battles are inevitable. Explain to your friend that refusing her letter didn't mean you wanted to give up on the friendship but that you weren't ready to deal right then. Tell her that your friendship is worth a lot to you and that you'd like to try to work things out. If she agrees to talk about it, you two should vow now to break this pattern of ignoring each other and, instead, express your feelings from now on. If you need some space, that's OK, but say it: "I need to get some distance to cool off before we discuss this." Good luck getting your friendship back on track!

My next-door neighbor is two years younger than I am, and we've always invited each other to our birthday parties. We used to be friends, but we're not as close as we were. Her birthday is coming up, and I caught her IMing my sister about whether or not to invite me to her party. She was worried I might not have a good time because I'm older and wouldn't know anyone. I understand, but it hurts a bit. I don't know why because I'm not even sure I'd go. What should I do?

Obviously, it's not that your neighbor doesn't want you at her party--she's worried you won't have a good time. While you played together as tots, now you're the cool, older girl so she doesn't know if you'd even want to come to a party with younger kids. Since she's worried about your feelings, think about hers. Tell her you consider her a friend and would like to celebrate her birthday with her. If you don't feel comfortable doing the whole party thing, just drop by with a gift and split. What's important is showing her you still care about her.

I always thought I had the perfect family, but I think my parents want a divorce. All my friends have divorced parents, and they hate it. They have to go to counselors and don't get to pick who they live with. I don't want to be one of those girls. My parents fight and don't even seem to love each other. Help!

It's frightening to think about your parents divorcing, but no family is perfect. When any family goes through a change, it's difficult for everyone involved. But understand that this change could actually improve your family situation. If your parents fight a lot, they might be happier apart. Also, just because your friends have had bad experiences doesn't mean you have to be "one of those girls." Talk honestly to your parents about your fears, and ask them to be open with you. This way, if they do divorce, you'll be better prepared. Remember, you can still have close relationships with both parents even if they are no longer married.

Got a question for Lucky? Send it to Ask Lucky, c/o Girls' Life, 4517 Harford Road, Baltimore, MD 21214, or e-mail it to questions@girlslife.com