Dealing with the and stuff

Girls' Life, Feb-March, 2003 by Roni Cohen-Sandler

One of the awesome things about life is getting to experience incredible emotions, like joy when your friends throw you a surprise birthday bash or excitement when your crush flashes you a 200-watt smile. But what about the times when life is less great?

Sometimes in life, you have to deal with less-than-happy emotions. Like, say, being upset when your BFF announces her family is moving away. Or feeling helpless when your pet has health problems. Or sadness when a person you care about dies. As you probably know, losing someone or something important to you is way up there on the scale of major life stresses. Whenever something is taken from you--whether it's big or small--that's a loss you have to mourn.

The tricky thing about a sad situation is that you don't have any say in what is happening and are unable to turn things back to the way they were. Nobody likes to feel like things are out of control. That's partly what makes these situations so challenging. Then comes the really hard part--dealing with the powerful feelings provoked by a loss.

We'd love to tell you life will never throw you any curveballs and that every day will be happy. But, unfortunately, sadness is a part of life: The key is learning how to handle it in a way that feels right for you and helps you move on to feeling hopeful.

You just heard the news, whatever it is, and you feel like your world just got turned inside out? For some of you, earth-shattering news might be when you find out your crush doesn't like you. Or maybe you don't feel devastated unless something major happens, like a death in the family. But here's the bottom line: If it's a big deal to you, it's a big deal. And you need to give yourself permission to feel upset.

New and intense emotions can be confusing, making many girls wonder "Am I coping OK?," "Am crazy?," or, "What should I do?" When something bad happens, it tends to affect a lot of people. If you're waiting for relatives or friends to reassure you, they might be just as affected and equally as upset or uncomfortable.

We hope very few of you need this article right this minute. But, sooner or later, all of us need advice to help us feel in control of life's tough situations. Here are answers to the five questions girls ask most often when dealing with loss. While the process of grieving over something is painflil, it can help you learn more about yourself, get closer to people who matter and be there for others in need.

1. Is my reaction normal?

When you lose something or someone dear, you might expect to feel sad or weepy. So other emotions, such as being scared or stoic, could come as a surprise. Or maybe you think you're not as upset as you should be. Say your mom is crying because a great-aunt twice removed has died, but you don't feel much of anything--you only met her once. Or you're way more devastated by your dog's demise than your grandparent's death. "What's up with that?" you might ask. Actually, it's way more normal and way more common than you'd think.

In fact, whether your eyes gush waterfalls or stay dry as the Sahara, it says nothing about your closeness with or feelings for the person you lost. All it says is whether or not you feel like crying at that particular moment. You can love a person deeply and, yet, not shed a tear. You can be grief-stricken from losing someone you adore, but also be furious because that person left you. For example, when 11-year-old Tina's BFF moved to Alaska, she blamed her BFF for her father's transfer even though she knew that was totally unfair.

Believe it or not, you might even be relieved by a loss. If someone you loved had a long illness, you might be glad that person is no longer suffering. Or, if your older bro has been a total jerk to you and your family, you might jump for joy when he finally ships off to military school. Same goes for parents divorcing. Deep down, you might be glad for a break in the non-stop bickering. It's only natural. Emotions not only run the gamut, but they are also notoriously unpredictable.

Here's the most important thing to remember: You don't have to justify your reactions to anyone. It's your right and privilege to feel whatever you feel. When 12-year-old Opal and her family fled their home during a hurricane, Opal came home to find her bed room trashed. "People didn't understand" she says, "They all said we were lucky because no one got hurt and that most of our house was still standing. But all my things were destroyed." After a loved one dies, girls sometimes hear, "You should be happy for the time you had together." The thing is, there are no "shoulds." Give yourself permission to feel however you feel. Even if your feelings don't seem logical, it's OK. There's no one "right" way to feel when your life changes.

2. Will these horrible feelings ever go away?

Yes, absolutely. It's hard to believe, but the pain will fade. Promise. Keep in mind, however, that recovery doesn't happen overnight. It takes time. When you're hurting, it'd be great to know exactly when you can count on relief. But, unfortunately, nobody can guarantee: "By May 15, you'll feel like your old self again."