No Fair! - sibling birth order concerns

Girls' Life, Oct, 2000 by Roni Cohen-Sandler

Bursting the birth order blahs

Ever think your brother or sister gets all the breaks? I mean, your older sib has a bigger bedroom, stays up later and gets to do all the cool stuff first. Your baby brother's nickname is The Prince because he's treated so special. And what's up with your little sis getting her ears pierced light years before you were ever allowed?

This isn't jealousy. This is worse. Sometimes, you really feel your parents favor another sib over you. And, ouch, that hurts. But dwelling on feelings of unfairness is the pits. Put an end to that "poor me" pattern.

"I WISH I WERE AN ONLY CHILD"

You're keeping score, clashing with sibs over the most piddly of probs...and your sib fights have landed you in the doghouse with the 'rents. Despite your best attempts to put the pity party to rest, that lousy feeling sticks around like a rude guest. Fortunately, we have helpful pointers.

As we share secrets of birth order (where you fit in among your sibs), you should see your troubles in a new light. Birth order totally influences who you become and how your parents deal with you. Smoother sailing with sibs is on the horizon.

SANDWICHED IN BETWEEN

What bugs many girls is the unevenness in their families. Some girls are sure they aren't given the same treatment as the sibs. Melody, 12, is a good example. The second of four kids, she feels the rest of the crew has it way better: "My older bro thinks he's cool because he goes to concerts and church retreats. And my baby sisters get tons of attention." Melody sees herself sandwiched between the youngest and oldest, or as she puts it, "nowhere, with no advantages."

You too may long for the extra benefits you see your sibs get--more freedom, newer clothes, cooler privileges, more attention or less chores. If you tally everything up in a mental checklist, it adds up to this: You and your sibs' perks don't match up to precisely the same amount. And that really ticks you off!

Well, guess what...It may not be fair. The truth is, things are not--and can never be--truly equal. Even if your folks make fairness their main mission in life, they could never dole out exactly the same goodies at precisely the same time to all their kids. So parents usually decide what each child needs at any given moment, trying to balance out everything in the long run.

As harsh as this sounds, this is a good lesson to learn about life in general. Sometimes other people get more; sometimes you score. Things have a way of evening out at the end. The same is true for you and your sibs. And don't think parents aren't mindful of this.

Ruthie, 17, was more than shocked when she got a new Dodge Neon for college this fall: "Growing up, I was the one who had hand-me-downs and used ski stuff. I thought I'd never get anything just for myself. When I asked my Dad why he got the Neon for me, he said our family could afford the car and I was the one who needed it most so I can get to school and my waitressing job. But he also gave me this wink that makes me wonder if it just wasn't his way of evening things up now that I'm older."

Even if you think you have absolute proof of your parents' favoritism, you may find out later that you didn't know half the story. That's what happened to Kelly, 13.

Kelly convinced herself her parents loved her 7-year-old brother more: "My mom and dad were so sweet to him, it was sickening. They treated him like a star, telling him everything he did was so amazing. Turns out he was having trouble learning to read." When Kelly figured out her parents were helping her kid brother through an ordeal, she realized they'd do the same for her in tough times.

Bottom line: If you're looking for true equality, study hard in math. Don't try to figure out some family fairness factor. It won't work, no matter how you slice it.

THE "BABY" OF THE FAMILY

A girl who has an older sib around to look up to and copy is different from an oldest child, who acts as a trailblazer for all the kids who follow. Take Bess and Toni, for example. At 13, Bess desperately wants to trade places with her sister Toni, 15. Bess expresses the outrage of many younger sisters: "Toni's so lucky because she gets to have her own cell phone and stay up until 11. That's so unfair! Big deal if she's two years older. I don't get it."

A disadvantage of being younger is that you probably can't recall when your older sib was your age. Either you were too little to remember, or you weren't born yet. So you don't get that your older sib once stood in your shoes. Back then, your sib no doubt had similar rules--and maybe had an even less glorious life than yours. Heck, your older bro or sis may have been around when your parents couldn't afford Trek bikes or Mudd jeans.

Maybe your sister's room is bigger, but chances are she wasn't hitting R-rated movies or the mall with friends at your age. Wanna know what it was like before? Ask. Just as your parents have gradually given your sibs more rope as they've gotten older, they're likely to do the same for you. Patience, my friend.