Dear Carol

Girls' Life, Dec, 2001 by Carol Weston

Dear Carol,

I broke up with my boyfriend. But just one week after we broke up, he had a new girlfriend. It bothers me, even though I don't like him anymore.

Bothered by Breakup

Dear Bothered by Breakup,

Since you don't want to go out with him anymore, you can't really object that he found a gal who does. Maybe you're bothered because you don't want to think of yourself as replaceable (which you shouldn't!). Perhaps you still have feelings for him--even if you don't realize it. All of these are normal emotions following a breakup, even if you did the breaking up. But, um, his moving on so quickly sure doesn't make him catch of the year anyway, does it?

Dear Carol,

My dad died when I was 9. My mom now has a boyfriend, but he's a jerk. He only pays attention to me when he wants something done around the house. He always spends time with my brother, and they leave me out. He blames me for stuff I didn't even do. And get this-he got mad at me one time and threw a plate of food at me! I mean, I feel totally alone all the time. What should I do?

Mom's Boyfriend is a jerk

Dear Mom's Boyfriend is a jerk,

I'm so sorry your father passed away. It's hard to bravely carry on after a parent dies--and it can be especially difficult when the other parent is dating someone you could definitely live without. Have you told your mom or brother how you feel? Don't flat out tell Mom her boyfriend is a jerk--but calmly and maturely relay to her specific instances of when you've felt ignored or unfairly blamed. Maybe she will talk to her boyfriend about it. In the meantime, is there some way to improve your relationship with this man? Maybe you can find his good side (sounds like you've already found his bad side). It may help to pretend he's a friend's father and then treat him like that. Be courteous and polite. It's possible he'll get the idea and treat you with a little respect in return. Nobody says you have to be best buds. It might not be easy, but if you compliment him or make him a holiday gift, you might get some kindness back. If not, and he throws another plate of food, talk to your mom or a school counselor! Fi nally, since you feel alone, think about some good stuff you can add to your life next semester. A lot of school sports and other extracurricular activities gear up in January, so the timing is excellent. Write, "Join new activities," on your list of New Year's resolutions.

Dear Carol,

My friend wears the same clothes over and over. How can I nicely tell her to change her clothes?

She's a One outfit Friend

Dear Friend,

You could suggest a little shopping trip to the mall. Or you could hold one of your shirts up to her and say, "You look awesome in red! You should wear more bright colors!" Or even, "Ugh, I get so sick of the same old clothes sometimes, don't you?" If she's smaller or you two are the same size, offer her a pile of clothes you've outgrown or clothes you haven't worn for months and say, "I loved this shirt. I'm so bummed it doesn't fit right. But I thought you might like it." OK, now that I've answered your question, I have two for you: Are you sure she can afford new clothes? And why are you so concerned about what she wears?

Dear Carol,

My parents founds out my BFF's dad abused her. Now, I'm not allowed to go over to her house. She doesn't know I know, and it's getting tough to come up with excuses. Should I tell her?

Banned from Bonding with BFF

Dear Banned from Bonding,

I don't blame your parents for wanting to protect you, and I don't blame you for being loyal to your friend. This is a loaded dilemma. First of all, I assume the abuse is a fact and not just an awful rumor. Nothing would be worse than going along with unfounded town gossip. So, that said, I worry that if you come out and confront her, she will be devastated. Even if the abuse happened in the past, your friend still deals with its scars every day. Abuse is not something most people feel comfortable just talking about, even with their best friends. Hopefully, she is discussing her feelings with an expert. So tread lightly and confront the issue of what's going on in her family only if she reaches out to you for help. She may be relieved to have a sympathetic and understanding friend to talk with. Meantime, instead of hanging at her house, make an effort to see her at your house, parties, school or at other friend's houses.

Dear Carol,

Whenever my friend comes over, she doesn't like doing anything. I like her, but I'm always bored.

Bored Bud

Dear Bored Bud,

Make a list of stuff you like to do--alone and with other friends. Get creative, adding everything from playing Scrabble by the fireplace to making peanut butter brownies, Instead of asking, "What do you want to do?" and getting a shoulder shrug, throw out some suggestions. Or list your top three faves and pick together. Maybe she just hates making decisions or being put on the spot. If you make it easy for her, she might jump right in. If she isn't the least bit interested in your ideas and doesn't offer her own, it doesn't mean she's a bad friend. But, you also don't have to invite a wet blankie over when you're looking for some fun. Maybe she's a good lunch buddy or phone pal. Surely, you have other friends who'd love to come over and hang out.