Friendship Flubs Forgive 'em or forget 'em?

Girls' Life, Dec, 2001 by Kristen Kemp

It's tough when a close pal pulls a fast one on you. Of course, most of the time, it's big of you to (gulp) forgive. But, then again, there are those rare instances when it's OK to say, "See ya!" Can't figure out if she's friend or foe? Maybe our quiz will help....

Your friends are like the most important girls ever. You count on them for lots of laughs, loads of love and, well, life support. So when a gal pal says or does something hurtful to you, it can feel like your heart's been chewed up and spit out onto the pavement.

Maybe your best bud lied about going to a major bash without you. Or maybe she blurted out your embarrassing childhood nickname to the whole ninth grade. Whatever the sitch, BFF betrayal can launch you into an emotional tailspin. Your thoughts might range from, "Why would someone who supposedly cares about me do something so mean?" to "How dare she!" But being confused and upset is the easy part. What to do about it can be harder to figure out.

After you get over the initial shock and anger of your friend's infraction, there could be many strong arguments for friendship forgiveness. But, other times, when the friend's offense is more severe, it's definitely better -- even wiser -- to forget the so-called friendship.

So...how to know the difference? Take our forgiveness challenge, and find out if you should pardon your pal or pull a friendship fahgettabout'er.

1 You and your friend agreed to be partners for the science project. You've been slaving over dinosaur details for days on end. Two days before it's due, you get together for a progress meeting. She hasn't lifted a toe on her half of the research. You: A. Get cracking on your own. At least, if you do it, the project might pull an A-. B. Give her a chance to explain why she didn't live up to her half of the bargain. Then, draw up a plan of action to get the work done. C. Go prehistoric on her. Tell teach she flakier than dried dino droppings, and turn in your half Needless to say, you never speak to her again.

Best bet: B It's highly evolved of you to put your annoyance aside and find out why your friend did what she did before you go Neanderthal. If she has a good excuse -- say, her parents are splitting and she hasn't been able to tell anyone -- she should be forgiven. If her excuse is totally lame (her parrot are it), she gets one chance to make it up to you. After all, priority numero uno is getting the work done -- hopefully, with her help. If she busts major tail and pulls her weight, she's a friend worth forgiving.

While it's tempting to go for A or C, these options aren't exactly friendship-healthy. Going apes, as in C, accomplishes nothing. And, the teacher may not accept your portion anyway.

That's when A may look attractive--just hurrying to get the project finished. But if you do that, you're being her personal doormat. Friendships don't work when one person walks all over another. And if you pull her weight once, you're setting a precedent and she may expect you to do it again. Plus, do you really want a friend who cares so little about your school success? Could be time to make this friendship ancient history.

2 Your friend got busted with a pack of cigs in her backpack. She told her mom the smokes were yours. (They weren't!) So, her mom called your mom to snitch. You:

A. Back her up, saying they're yours. That's what friends do. B. Give her a chance to come clean before you blow her cover. Maybe she panicked when her mom found the cigs. C. Tell both moms those weren't your cigarettes, and toss your friend to the parental wolves.

Best Bet: B If she's true-blue, she won't let you take the heat when she's in the hot seat. While A may seem noble, you shouldn't have to suffer for something you didn't do. Just think of the consequences: Your parents (and hers) won't trust you, and you're likely to get majorly grounded. And what for? Nothing--you didn't do anything! A friend who expects you to take the fall for her flub--ups is toxic.

By doing B, you give your friend an opportunity to prove her integrity and maturity But if your bud doesn't instantly restore your smoke-free rep, go for C--extinguish the friendship and find girls who would never put your butt in the fire.

3 Your pal--a self-proclaimed slob--begged to borrow your white sweater. After enduring some way pathetic pleading, you gave in. Now, she's trying to give you back your once-white, now-Grape-Gatorade-stained sweater. You:

A. Take it back and say nothing, even though you're secretly seething. B. Yell at her, tell her real friends don't ruin innocent sweaters, and then avoid her from here on out. C. Forgive her. But make a mental note to never lend her your stuff anymore.

Best Bet: C IF you already knew your friend is not the tidiest gal in the world, chalk it up to some poor judgment...on your part. That's right. You knew you shouldn't have let her have the sweater in the first place. So take the sweater back, and ban her from your closet for good. Tell her, nicely--but firmly.