HELP!

Girls' Life, Feb, 2001

Carol Weston

Dear Carol,

All my friends, except me, have kissed guys. They say stuff like, "I'm so cool. I've kissed three boys." "So? I've kissed four!" Then they ask me, "How many guys have you kissed?" That's all they talk about! I feel so left out.

--Left Out

Dear Left Out,

Feeling left out bites, but I'm glad you're not kissing every guy in sight. What would your friends think if they heard boys bragging, 'I've kissed three girls'? They'd probably think the guys are players or that they don't take girls seriously. Kissing is not a contest. A kiss shared between two people who care about each other means a lot more than kiss-and-tell. Your first kiss will come in time. Besides, it's not always a good idea to do what everyone else is doing (or claims to be doing). If you found yourself in a room full of girls smoking or drinking, instead of feeling left out, I hope you'd feel smart.

Dear Carol,

Does wearing a sports bra keep your breasts from growing?

--Undeveloped

Dear Undeveloped,

Your feet grow whether or not you wear shoes, right? So your chest grows whether or not you wear any kind of bra. Accept your body, no matter what your cup size.

Dear Carol,

I have a confession. I shaved off all my pubic hair. What should I do?

--Not Sure

Dear Not Sure,

Nothing. It will grow back--though it will likely be a bit itchy at first. In the future, leave it alone or just shave the bikini area, OK? Hair down there is totally normal.

Dear Carol,

I am 12 (almost 13), and I have a big, embarrassing problem. I don't sleep in my bed! My parents are divorced, so I sleep with my mom. At my dad's, I usually cry myself to sleep. I've tried to sleep in my bed millions of times, but I just can't. I get so scared, but I don't even know what I'm scared of. My mom says she wants to take me to see a therapist, but I don't need that.

--Scared and Hopeless

Dear Scared,

Although you think you don't need it, a good therapist can help you with this problem. Since your mom wants to take you, you should go! The therapist will help you figure out why you're afraid to separate from your mother at night. You'll move toward understanding that, although your parents left each other, you are not being left alone. Because you are capable of getting to sleep at your dad's (even though it's painful), you already know you can sleep without your mom nearby. Keep thinking about how good it will feel when you are comfortably independent--and how much fun it will be to join friends for sleepovers or slumber parties! Many people have fears, and many conquer them. You can, too.

Dear Carol,

A rumor was spread about me that I am gay. I'm not! Almost every guy in school believes it, and I don't know if I'll ever have a boyfriend again. How do I convince them I'm not gay?

--Desperate

Dear Desperate,

Rumors are just that--rumors. They do eventually go away and, even while they are flying around, most people don't really believe them anyway. If you're interested in a particular guy, say "hi," smile, laugh at his jokes and ask him about things he's interested in. Hey, you could even wish him a happy Valentine's Day! Believe me, a rumor won't keep him from noticing you. As for being gay--anyone who flings the word around as if it were an insult still has a lot of growing up to do!

Dear Carol,

I've been playing flute since I was 6, and now I'm 13. Everyone says I have talent, and I think I do too. The problem? I can't make myself practice. My parents make me practice, but I never do it willingly. I'm auditioning for several big events this year, and practice makes perfect. But all the fun has gone out of it. I really need something to motivate me. Any ideas?

--Failing Flutist

Dear Flutist,

You're not a failing flutist--you're a tired flutist. Excellence in any field requires hard work, but maybe your parents would agree to a one-week respite from flute practice. But it sounds like you need a change of tune. Can you join the school orchestra, or form a jazz band with a friend or two? Can you ask your flute instructor if you can do Dave Matthews songs? Can you give yourself a treat after you practice? And how about those big events? Are you scared of blowing the auditions--or of acing them? Maybe flute just doesn't toot your horn anymore. Find someone to talk to about this--if not your parents, perhaps a school counselor or a friend's mom. If it's music you love, stick with it and take intro lessons with a different instrument.

Dear Carol,

My sister didn't graduate from high school. She got pregnant, and now she's marrying a guy I hardly know. They are 18 and in love. I mean, who can I look up to now? My brother is 15, but he acts like he's 3. I'm going to be an aunt, and I'm scared--but I'm not sure why. Are my feelings normal? Will everything be OK?

--Aunt at 12

Dear Aunt at 12,

Will your Sister live happily ever after? There's no way of knowing. Statistically, teen marriages don't fare as well as adult marriages. And it's difficult to be a responsible mom when you're still a teenager. I hope your sister finds a way to continue her education, and that she and her new husband are able to provide a good home for their baby. Is it normal to feel scared when a loved one does something worrisome? Of course. But as for having no one to look up to, look around. A favorite teacher, neighbor, older friend or relative can be a role model. And if you stay in school and take your time growing up, someday your niece or nephew will look up to you.