Dear Carol

Girls' Life, April-May, 2004 by Carol Weston

Dear Carol,

My boyfriend and I have been going out for two months. His parents found out, and they don't want me to be with him. When they didn't know we were going out, they treated me like family and I was over there a lot. I love my BF. How can I convince his parents to let me be with him?

Banned from BF

Dear Banned,

Ouch. It's hard not to take his parents' attitude personally. But, chances are, your BF's folks are just in shock that their son is someone's (anyone's!) boyfriend. Perhaps they also feel betrayed because they were left in the dark about you guys. Ask your boyfriend to tell his parents how much he likes you (and why), and also that you two are not rushing things or being irresponsible. Next time you see his parents, be extra courteous and respectful. Do your parents know about your relationship? If they invite your boyfriend to dinner or to a family outing, his family may warm up too.

Dear Carol,

My best friend and best guy friend are dating. Now I feel like I can't talk to my guy friend without my girl friend getting jealous. Whenever I hang out with them, I feel like a third wheel.

Third Wheel

Dear Third Wheel,

Remind your BFF that you've been her boyfriend's friend for ages and don't want that to change. And tell him that even though you're glad he and she found each other, you still care about the bond you and he share. And now, sigh, tell yourself it's natural to feel a little jealous of their new closeness. Give them "couple time," and try to see each of them solo because, unfortunately, three can be a crowd. Still, there's no reason your previous friendships should grind to a halt.

Dear Carol,

One of my friends is feeling left out of our clique. She told me that she feels I'm "the center of attention," and that I steal the spotlight from her. How can we make her feel part of the group?

Want To Make Everybody Happy

Dear WTMEH,

It's impossible to make everybody happy. Really. If someone feels jealous or left out, it's not necessarily your fault ... or your problem to solve. Besides, does one girl have to be the "center of attention"? Continue to include the left-out girl in group activities, but drop the guilt. You clearly care about the feelings of others--and friends can't ask for much more than that.

Dear Carol,

This is lame, but I really want a kiss. It's all I think about, and it's driving me nuts! To top it off, this guy likes me but I am not sure if I like him in return.

All Fuzzy Inside

Dear Fuzzy,

If you're not sure you like a guy, don't talk yourself into snuggling with him--no matter what your urges and no matter how he feels. A first kiss should mean something--all kisses should. The other pair of lips need to be attached to someone worthy--someone you care about and who cares about you and won't spread rumors or dump you the next day. I'm not saying to wait forever for Prince Charming to gallop up. But if you hang in there, someone special will come along, and you'll be glad you didn't waste that kiss on a guy you're not even sure you like.

Dear Carol,

I have a problem with hitting people when I'm angry. Recently, my stepbrother got me mad, and I slapped him on the back, leaving a handprint. If I do it again, I have to move to my mom's. I don't want to leave my dad.

A Big Problem

Dear A Big Problem,

You've already taken a big step by acknowledging your problem and wanting to fix it. If your school has a counselor, it might help to talk to her about how to control your anger. You can also pour out your emotions in a diary or play a sport--these are healthy ways to let off steam. Next time you feet mad or frustrated, walk away or use your words to say, "I'm angry, and here's why." Maybe you're angry about your dads' re-marriage. If so, realize your stepbrother has to adjust to this new family too. You two have something in common. Looking, even briefly, from his viewpoint, can help lessen your anger toward him.

Dear Carol,

My friend is really nice to me when we're alone. But in a group, she ignores me. Should I stay friends with her?

Ignored

Dear Ignored,

How about pointing this situation out to her and seeing if things improve? Don't whine or shout, "You always ignore me at school!" Simply say, "Sometimes I feel ignored by you when we're in a group," and hear what she has to say. Meanwhile, seek out other friendships. You can't force this girl to act friendly, so it won't hurt to make some new friends.

Dear Carol,

My dad has a girlfriend who is 20 years younger than he is. She is only going out with him for the money. I know because she and her son were going to move in with us, but she changed her mind when my dad lost his job. Should I tell my dad what she's doing to him?

Worried

Dear Worried,

Try having a give-and-take conversation with your dad about the issue rather than telling him what "she's doing to him." You will feel better if you open up to him, especially since this relationship affects your life so directly. Tell him you'd like to have a talk, and perhaps he can ease some of your concern about what's going on. It's possible his girlfriend changed her mind about moving in because she did not want to put any additional financial burden on your dad or because of some other factors. It can be hard on girls when a parent makes a big dating decision--honest conversation can help.