"I'm Not You!"

Girls' Life, April, 2001 by Roni Cohen-Sandler

How to be yourself--not mini-mom

"You're just like your Mother!"

Ooohhh...those five little words that make so many girls cringe. It's not always your look-alike smiles and cute dimples people are talking about, but maybe the same mannerisms (laughing like a hyena), fave habits (walking barefoot) and pet peeves (crawly things). Perhaps you inherited how your mom gets totally engrossed in a book or has super sonar for spotting phonies.

But what if you happen to have a different personality and interests--yet feel pressured to be like Mom and see eye to eye 24/7/365. Of course, you want to be your own unique person. It's normal to have your own opinions, styles, goals and tastes separate from your mom's. Suppose, say, your mom metamorphoses into Sgt. Neatness at times, insisting you line up your shoes like soldiers in formation. You prefer the Big Pile system. The question is, are you no neatnik or are you making a point that you don't want to be a private under her command?

When Mom doesn't delight in your differences, it can cause major conflicts. But, hey, even if she thinks identical angora sweater sets are a swell mother-daughter ensemble, you're not destined to live life as mini-mom. We tell you why moms tend to want daughters to be just like them and dole out tips on how to cope. That way, you can stay close to Mom while also being wonderful you.

"You'll always be my baby!"

Mom may have trouble with your uniqueness because she equates it with your growing up--and apart from her. That's why some girls try so hard not to be clones of their moms--to prove they're not little girls anymore.

One way to pen your personal declaration of independence is through your clothes. The outfits you put together speak volumes about who you are. That's why even picking out a new tee together can become a big battle.

Laura, 14, describes mall malfunction: "When we shop, my mom manages to find the only grandma-looking clothes and insists I try them on. She has a knack for trying to make me look like I'm 80!" So what if you detest the threads your mom suggests? No tragedy, unless your mom refuses to break out the Visa until you agree to dress like great-aunt Tillie. Why not look through some 'zines together to see what's in? Show Mom that you might reject her fashion advice, but never her. Instead of, "You can't tell me what to do!" try, "Thanks, but this style is more me." That way, she's less likely to take your fashion protests as a personal attack on her.

If your mom is yanking the reins in other directions, remind her that part of growing up is experimenting with new ideas. Tell her you'll consider her input but want to test your wings a bit. Since you're getting older, she can't expect to make all of your choices.

Florie, 12, has worked out this balancing act: "My mom lets me have my own experiences and make mistakes. I respect that she doesn't try to totally control my life and make decisions for me. It really builds my self-confidence."

Still, as much as you may prefer making solo decisions, almost all girls still need Mom's OK--no matter how begrudgingly she may give it. So the key thing is to work on compromise.

Times, they are a-changin'

Do the words, "When I was your age..." make your eyes glaze over in anticipation of a long lecture? Your mom may want you to do things the old fashioned way (read: the right way). To her, "different" seems to mean "worse."

Says Sue, 13, "My mom gets totally ticked if I call a boy. If I hear one more, 'Nice girls don't call boys,' I'll scream!" Sue feels criticized because she interprets her mother's words as, "You call boys, so you're not a nice girl." Darcy, 12, says, "My mom doesn't understand that I have friends who are boys. Why can't I call them? If my best guy friend has a problem and asks me to call him and I don't, then I'm not being a great friend."

If your mom's girlhood memories are her guide to raising you, she may need updating. Approach her gently--not, "Were you born in the Ice Age or what?" Mention specifics about how times are different. Your mom might get what's what if you fill her in. If you're reasonable and don't bombard her, she could come to see things in a new light. Don't expect flashing neon; but she'll' probably realize that, in today's world of female empowerment, she wouldn't want you to be exactly like she was.

Shelter skelter

Mom may be determined to make sure you don't struggle like she did. Her memories or past mistakes can be so forceful that she wants to shield you from the big, bad world.

As Marianna, 13, describes, "Since my mom was totally made fun of for being heavy in high school, she always tells me not to eat so much: That really annoys me." Say you, like Marianna, think a few extra pounds maybe OK--or at least you'll willingly sacrifice cropped tops for cream-filled donuts.

Dana, 14, says, "My mom's chubby and drove me nuts about my weight, so I had a talk with her. I said, 'I have a different body than you do, and doctor says I'm just fine. I don't want to worry about my weight all the time.'"