Tell it don't yell it: How to get what you want the smooth takin' way

Girls' Life, April, 2002 by Roni Cohen-Sandler

You're ready to explode! Your parents' ridiculous rules are absolutely destroying your social life. Or maybe your English teacher is giving you a completely unfair grade. Or perhaps your BFF or BF is being a total jerko. No matter who's got you all in a tizzy, sometimes you just want to blow a gasket and tell them all to just buzz off. But wait--there really is a better way....

QUICK! ZIP THOSE LIPS!

OK, you're definitely about to lose it. You can feel the anger boiling up, and who can blame you? You're ticked off, disappointed, maybe even furious. You'd like to tell all these people exactly how they're making your world completely miserable.

But hold up. Before you mouth off and do more damage, think it over. Do you honestly think verbally clobbering people will suddenly make them smile at you, act super nice and grant all your wishes? Yeah, right. Heat-of-the-moment statements are often bitter, accusatory, blaming, demanding and never likely to win anyone over.

The trick to getting what you want?

Knowing how to ask for it. Time to say adios to being a whiner and, hello to being a winner.

HOW TO WIN WITH...PARENTS

The situation: You and your buds are psyched to attend the party of the year this Saturday night. That is, 'til the 'rents break the news--you have to sit for Little Bro instead. Aaargh!

What you want to say: "Are you kidding me? That's so unfair! I'm not your slave! Why did you have that loser, anyway? You're ruining my entire life!"

The winning way

That speech should land you a date with your brother and death by Disney videos. If you're desperate to go to the party Saturday night, let's rewind. When you clash with parents, the playing field is not exactly even. Like it or nor, your parents are in charge. But that doesn't mean you can't speak up for what you want. You need to help them understand you--so they're more likely to give in!

one: Take a deep breath, and let it out slowly. Now, do it again. Repeat as necessary until you're sure every part of you is totally chill. Keeping a cool head is key. That way, you can think more clearly and won't blurt out stuff you'll regret.

two: Figure out what you really want and, before opening your mouth, be clear about what you want to say. If you want to go to the party, don't rant about how much you hate babysitting for that PB&J-encrusted brother of yours. Stick to the matter at hand--you wanna go to the pah-tay!

three: Understand your parents' perspective. Getting where they're coming from will probably deflate your anger, so you'll have a better chance of expressing yourself in a way that lets them truly hear you. Suppose your parents weren't intending to ask you to sit, but their sitter backed out? Suddenly, their situation is kind a similar to yours. They probably wanna party, too.

Four: Come up with a compromise. How can you both win? If you're stumped, imagine your best bud is in this sitch. What advice would you give her? That might ignite a spark.

Five: Now, you should be ready to ask for what you want...calmly. Say something like, "Hey, Mom and Dad, I understand you need someone to watch Little Bro, but I've been looking forward to this party. Could we negotiate? What if I found another sitter for him? Or could I go to the party for a little while, and babysit when I get back?"

The bottom line: No guarantees the 'rents are going to cave. But with such good planning, it's doubtful you'll get into a screaming match. And they'll surely be impressed with your efforts to solve the problem maturely. Chances are they'll do what they can to help you at least make an appearance at that bash.

HOW TO WIN WITH...BUDS

The situation: Your BFF agrees to be your science partner but expects you to go along with her oh-so dull idea for the project (merely thinking about measuring fruit fly wings puts you into a coma). Besides, she acts like she's the boss of you.

What you want to say: "Who died and made you queen? That's the dumbest idea ever. My 3-year-old sister could come up with something better."

The winning way

Despite her bossiness, your BFF will likely be hurt or ticked if you attack her (and her idea). Plus, that won't help you even come close to what you set out to do--get her to consider the brilliant project you've been brainstorming about. How to get her to consider your ideas?

one: Again, take a deep breath, and let it out slowly. You know the drill. Keep breathing until your body feels relaxed and your brain is clear.

two: Are you hot to do your project idea no matter what, or are you open to discussing other options? Maybe you just want your BFF to respect your opinions. Decide what it is you really want.

three: Get inside your BFP's head. Is she bent on this because she always gets A's in science? Is she trying to take control because she's totally nerve-wracked? Is the bossy thing just part of her personality? Does she feel insecure when it comes to school stuff? If you can figure out what's making her act so difficult, you might be able to crack this case.

Four: Can you compromise?. Discussing other ideas is the goal, right? While looking at things under a microscope, you might discover there are deeper issues beneath the surface. But if you still want to be science partners, be ready to explain your position.